Tucker Carlson to be Featured on MTV’s Revival of Hit Show ‘Crabs’

You heard it here, folks! That’s right, Tucker Carlson will be the guest of honor on My Tortured Vibes’s revival series, Crabs. In the aptly named reality show, ‘Crabs’ will follow Carlson through a newly minted circle of hell reserved especially for him. Inspired by the equally infernal series Cribs, popularized in the early 2000s, Carlson will unveil his house of horrors to enthusiastic viewers.

According to our own fiendish reporter, Tucker Carlson’s private inferno includes:

– 1,000 pairs of loafers with gum on the soles
– 3 skin suits: leisure, black tie, and frothing at the mouth varieties
– souls of small children contained in glass vials labeled “mmm snacks”
– a recreation room complete with surround sound in every sulfuric cranny to play a 24/7 soundtrack of his own shitty voice
– a pile of money with Ron Desantis’s face on it that he uses to wipe his tears during his daily torture routine

We have it on bad authority from Lucifer himself that Tucker’s eternal punishment will be shown in the show. Viewers will be able to watch 2 of infinite routines, which include being bitten by mosquitoes over every inch of his body and random scare attacks by a Fauci impersonator reciting scientific knowledge about the vaccine.

Eritas Daily attempted to get a quote from Carlson, but were told he couldn’t come to the phone because he was too busy licking Donald Trump’s combover into place. Apparently, the procedure can take up to 16 hours and is his only commitment beyond his non-factual media rants.

We here at Eritas Daily are really looking forward to the new season of Crabs.

*If you’re a publicist for one of the crabs featured on this show, we want to hear from you! Email us at tuckercarlsonscrabs@terriblevibes.hel

This story was written by resident hell spectre Irma Vep. She’d suck the soul out of Tucker Carlson but he doesn’t have one.

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