BREAKING: Texas Governor Greg Abbott Passes New Law That Makes Cussing Illegal

(Austin, TX) What the what? In a bizarre turn of events, Texas governor and Covid-19 enthusiast Greg Abbott has announced that after a productive legislation session, he will soon sign a law into place that makes cussing illegal in the state of Texas. “For too long, freedom-haters in this state have gotten away with using the Lord’s name in vain and other types of foul language. No longer will this be tolerated. As of September 1st, cussing will be punishable by a fine and upon repeated infractions, jail time. I am confident that true Texans will have no issue with this and only those who wish to take our great state from us will rebel.” We followed up with members of Abbott’s staff to learn more.

After doing some digging, we were able to confirm that what he said is true. After September 1st, ‘cussing in public, private, and secret places will be a second degree misdemeanor.’ This means that if someone reports you as a ‘potty mouth,’ you might end up paying fines of up to $100 per word.

Our first question was, of course, how could this possibly be enforced and how does this not contradict the First Amendment?

“You liberals and the First Amendment,” was the beginning of the team’s reply. “It’s fine, don’t worry about it. If anyone asks, tell them that the founders explicitly, I mean, purposefully said that this kind of law was fine and the Supreme Court won’t care. That’s what we have been told, at least.”

“Can you at least tell us which words are included on the ban list? How can we avoid them if we don’t know what they are?”

“All of the banned words will be listed on the Texas government website. Although, to avoid incurring infractions ourselves and for the sake of our young ones, the words will be censored.”

“And what about enforcing this law? How will this be done equitably? And does this apply to everyone or only adults?”

“You’re telling me children are allowed to cuss where you’re from? See, this is exactly the type of thing we are hoping to curb in this state. As far as equitable enforcement, we’ll leave that to the experts.”

“You mean the police?”

“Yes. We’re confident in their ability to uphold the law for all citizens, regardless of race or gender.” They could barely get through this with a straight face.

Rather than continue down this dead end, we decided to use our limited access to the state office to do more digging on why Abbott could possibly think this is a good idea. Turns out, ol’ Greg has a birthday coming up and needs to raise some funds for the party he plans to throw this coming November.

When asked to comment on this discovery, his team looked to each other before each independently letting out a high-pitched scream of the same tone and then disappearing into a cloud of red mist.

More on this story as it develops.

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