Safety Instructor Assures Class That Guns Only Kill People That You Shoot

(Liminal Cove, TN) It was a beautiful morning out on the range and the beginner’s were milling about, nervous for their first time behind the trigger. You could feel the tension in the air as the instructors prepared the weapons and passed out the proper safety equipment. After a brief demonstration, the beginner’s were given their own guns and asked to line up and demonstrate that they had paid attention in class by shooting a target. Just as they were about to give the go-ahead for open fire, the safety instructor gave one final word of assurance: “I just want you all to know that there is nothing to worry about. Guns only kill the people you shoot. Now, fire!”

The class all let out a collective shout and fired their magazines into the humanoid depiction on the target. Each realizing for the first time their base animal tendency towards violence. For a split second, a thought entered their mind, too dark to utter aloud but there nonetheless, nesting in the deepest parts of your brain. As the gunpowder cleared, it was clear to everyone that they had experienced something together that was truly beautiful.

“Alright, well done. We’re now going to pass out some more bullets so you can continue getting the hang of things. While I pass these out, why don’t you tell me who you plan to kill.” The instructor asked this question as if he asked something casual like where you work or what kind of music you like.

The beginner’s looked at each other, shocked by the question. But before anyone could talk, one of the men on the end blurted “my boss.” He was followed by a woman who just said “Stanley.” Soon, they were all sharing their intended targets, catching the instructor by surprise.

“OK – I meant like ‘a home intruded’ or ‘feral hogs,’ not specific targets. I’m going to have to pretend I didn’t hear that. But, my early instruction still stands. If you shoot someone, you kill them. That’s what a gun is for. That’s the whole purpose of it. So make sure you’re ready to live with that, justified or not. If you can do that, you can do anything. Any questions?”

“No sir,” came the simultaneous reply. “The plan is in motion, sir.”

“Good,” replied the safety instructor. “Fire!”

And with that, each of the beginner’s fired their full clip through the target’s head, letting out a primal shriek. Amidst the dust and gunpowder, a rainbow formed.


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