Breaking News: Trump Administration Rolls Out Revised National Park Mascots

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In his first week in office, Trump has proven to be nothing if not compassionate. Though many asserted that the Trump administration cared little for, and even sought to suppress the voice of the National Park Service, such a notion has been swiftly proven to be far from the truth. This has been made evident by the prompt unveiling of three new mascots to represent the NPS.

 

“Everyone knows,” reported Glyn Poolsner, White House Director of the Cartoon Cabinet, “that you simply don’t expend the energy to create cartoon characters for departments that you don’t care about. Animated characters have been a staple for American morale, as well as a bastion of administrative integrity for decades: from Smokey the Bear to Uncle Sam, to the popular pig-nosed, bloody-fanged Japanese officers all the kids loved in the early 40s. And let’s not forget Chomp-Father, the tax-evading T-Rex. It’s no small statement when we roll out characters like this. This is our chance to embody and remind people of the most foundational American values.”

 

No small statement or undertaking indeed. Abigale Watters, one of the lead designers on this initiative, gave Eritas the inside scoop on the new mascots.

 

“Ok, so this is Globey, and he’s our sort of premier guy,” Watters said, flipping a large white page of paper over an easel that was propped up against the deteriorating wall of the broom closet which had been serving as the design team’s HQ. “You can see that he’s a very healthy-looking Earth.”

 

Wrong! In fact, Globey looks more like that one water color your nephew handed you one time that you just called, “so neat-o!” because you didn’t want to betray the fact that you had no idea what it was. Globey’s shape is mostly round, and some parts of him can be distinguished as land features or water features, but the blue parts are too green, and the green parts are too grey. Globey’s eyes have red veins darting all across the whites of his eyes and there is no shine in his pupils.

 

“You can see the focus in his vision,” Watters pointed out proudly. “Red lines are always a sign of focus and good decision making.” Flipping the page, she introduced the next mascot, Slinky the Snake.

 

“He’s sort of an educational piece,” Watters said. “His camouflage makes him difficult to detect on the ground, just like real snakes. But he’s friendly, and even spits out delicious molasses! Just like how other animals actually make real food that we eat, like bees and honey, cows and milk, or flamingos and Ritz crackers.”

 

Slinky, at first glance, resembles more of a pipe than a snake. And at second glance, it is clear that he is in fact a grey metal pipe with eyeballs perched on top of a gaping mouth that spews out raw oil, under the guise of molasses.

 

“Which brings us to Chirpy,” Watters said with some haste, “who we anticipate to be the most popular!”

 

Chirpy, unlike her counterparts, appears to be a cartoon character created in earnest. She is a small blue songbird with a twinkle in her eye and light reflecting off of her golden beak. “She’s sort of the stooge of the group,” Watters grinned. “Always getting covered in Slinky’s molasses or being overshadowed by Globey’s infectious personality. She’ll be a real hoot!”

 

After getting to preview the images of the new NPS mascots, Abigale led our reporters to another closet, this one being more of a corner with a file cabinet in it, to visit Tucker, who was in charge of coining the characters’ catchphrases. Eritas left the visit with a box full of buttons depicting the three characters each gleefully exclaiming their phrases: Globey insisting, “Doing A-Okay, Chief! Really!”; Slinky shouting, “Industry is Nature’s Best Friend!”; and Chirpy obediently chirping, “I concur and comply.”

 

Catch Globey, Slinky, and Chirpy on all forthcoming National Park Service merchandise and signage when they’re officially rolled out later this month. For more updates, be sure to follow the official NPS Twitter feed @AltNatParkSer

 

 

This article was written by Kevin Harrington-Bain. Follow him on Twitter @kkevinb if you want to never believe in anything ever again. Or, to believe in everything forever amen.

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