OOPSIES: Week of January 23rd, 2017.

Here at Eritas Daily, we strive to hold ourselves to a high level of integrity. In the world of journalism, it is increasingly hard to discern between reputable sources and the president’s office. In our efforts to maintain a certain standard of accountability, each week we will make corrections to posts after more information comes to light.

 

Monday’s post on the creamer-swigging English major is NOT (author’s emphasis) autobiographical. They have started The Bell Jar “several times.”

 

After Monday’s post on the sugar-sneaking English major, Folk State University released the following statement: “Although this campus has made great gains to ensure an inclusive college environment, we condemn all liberal arts majors who drink anything but black coffee. We have met with the student in question and sentenced him to academic probation. He has two weeks to change his major to Strategic Communications before we do it for him. Let this be a warning to all English majors.”

 

There were zero inaccuracies in Tuesday’s post on ghouls.

 

In Wednesday’s post on how to spot alternative facts, the author failed to disclose that he was writing in a Hot Topic dressing room and may have projected some of his observations into what was meant to be a field guide. The author regrets the decision, but not the purchases made.

 

The author of Wednesday’s post failed to mention that in the seventh grade he was gifted a burned copy of Korn’s greatest hits and listened to it for several months before becoming familiar with the term “alt-metal” and its subsequent associations. Years later, he purchased three separate Taylor Swift albums, over the span of their release dates, and enjoyed them privately. What he proposed in his post was more of a “working out” of inner demons than an exercise in imagination. He is seeking professional help for these musical inconsistencies.

 

The author of Wednesday’s post insists that we note that Hot Topic’s lights really did change as a marketing strategy and screamed, “Look it up!” repeatedly until we did, but not before he broke down into tears.

 

Several readers wrote in after Thursday’s post about Chopped mystery baskets came off as what has been described as “blasphemous,” “uncouth,” and “vaguely heretical.” The author hath prayed for swift justice upon ye critic’s heads.

 

In Thursday’s post about Chopped, the author made an innuendo involving Gordan Ramsey that has since been removed. This was meant to be a “private thing” the author is writing for a fan fiction contest.

 

In Friday’s post on the National Park Mascots, the author noted that President Trump is compassionate. Recent words by President Trump have him painting himself not merely as compassionate but more as a savior. The author regrets undermining his Lordship.

 

In Friday’s post on the National Park Mascots, the author described the beloved character Chomp-Father, a cartoon T-Rex, as a tax-evader. Chomp-Father called our office to inform us that he never released his tax statements, and the public should therefore “not worry about it.”

 

Chomp-Mother has not been seen since her mysterious disappearance in the early 90s.

 

In Friday’s post on the National Park Mascots, the author failed to disclose his personal interest in mascoting, as he thrice applied to serve as a Statue of Liberty Wielding a Tax Sign, to no avail.

 

In Friday’s post on the National Park Mascots, the author quoted White House cartoon designer Abigale Watters in a description of an owl as a “hoot.” “Hoot” was recently deemed hate speech by the Parliament of Owls. The author regrets the quote and a beautiful gift basket has been sent.

 

We apologize for any confusion on these matters and hope to avoid these mistakes in upcoming issues.

 

This article was written by Ben Taylor. He himself has made many oopsies that cannot be corrected or retracted. So it goes. Follow him on Twitter @therealbenshady

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