Tired of Screaming Into the Void? Try one of our Top Ten Mixed Drinks Designed to Dull the Pain of Existence

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“Life comes at your pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around every once in a while, you might miss it.” It’s true that Shakespeare quotes really are timeless, but you certainly are not. As you approach your 21st birthday remember that life is almost definitely a least one quarter of the way over and the next 21 years will be over before you know it.

 

In order to help overcome the existential dread you are currently feeling, one might try screaming at and/or into the void. An age old trick, this can be quite cathartic, but nonetheless will yield no practical benefits in your life. The void doesn’t care that you’re screaming. The void is in indifferent.

 

One practical trick to rid oneself of the ol blues is drinking alcohol. Here to help you on your journey we present the list of “Top Ten Mixed Drinks Designed to Dull the Pain of Existence.”

 

Drink #10: The Growler: The perfect combination of stomach bile and old dirt, this drink will be sure to help you turn up at the club and turn down any requests of marriage from the local fly salesman.

 

Drink #9: The Echo of Anguish: Another startling revelation in mixology, this stark combination of honey wheat, toenail clippings, and hummus is as hard to choke down as the idea of black holes and the 4th dimension.

 

Drink #8: Gulp Gulp Gulp: Although this may be embarrassing to order for your first drink, you won’t regret it. It’s cinnamon rice milk and moonshine.

 

Drink #7: End It, Stacy: Not so much a drink as it is good advice for your friend Stacy. They are way too involved in their relationship and ordering this around them may end up sparking a good conversation.

 

Drink #6: The Year of the Sheep: What better way to remember the early 2000s than with this liquor of the gods?  This drink is ¼ tequila, ¼ ice, and ½ Sprite remix™. Not only is this a great blast from the past but it’s also a real treat for the taste buds.

 

Drink #5: Polyjuice Potion: No, this elixir will not turn you into the person whose hair you place in it, but it will make you look like a nerd in front of all of your friends, which is apparently ‘in’ these days. Only one ingredient in this one: hair.

 

Drink #4: Farmer’s Flax: If you’re feeling your inner hipster, this drink is for you. It is made from the blue dye found in flax seeds, an IPA from a local brewery, and the newest Animal Collective album. Only accept this drink if it is served in a mason jar, no exceptions.

 

Drink #3: The Arrangement: This drink can be ordered by slowly tapping out the beat to “Man-Eater” on the bar and winking at the first policeman to arrive on the scene. Now, you won’t receive the drink immediately, it will take 3-5 business days to appear in your Fraggle Rock mug when you least expect it.

 

Drink #2: Soot: A black powdery or flaky substance consisting largely of amorphous carbon, produced by the incomplete burning of organic matter. Dirt is really in this year.

 

Drink #1: Cup of Slurp: Nothing more delicious than a three day old Slurpee combined with a four day old Coors Light and a five day old banana nut muffin. This tops our list because Cup of Slurp is the only company we could get to sponsor us and we need the ads revenue.

 

So remember kids, as you approach your 21st, the key to living a fulfilling life is finding something that you love and letting it kill you. For us here at Eritas, that thing is the Blood Feud.

 

This article brought to you in part by Cup of Slurp. Cup of Slurp: The Only Choice You Have. 

 

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood whose drink of choice is a savory Bloody (Drew) Carey. It’s just a box set of the original Whose Line DVDs over ice. Follow him on Twitter @NPEllwood

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