(New York City, NY) On late Thursday evening, reporters from the Fake News Triad were trying to catch Eric Trump on his way home from work for comment on his father’s latest press conference when he ducked into an apartment and mentioned something about “returning video tapes.” He was later seen carrying a large black bag out of the apartment and yelled to passing pedestrians that “these video tapes aren’t going to return themselves!”
While most reporters might not dig into this deeper, we believe that there is more to this story than just the ravings of a Trump family member that have become so common in our everyday lives. We looked into it and the apartment that Mr. Trump went into was not his own, but in fact belongs to a co-worker of his, Raul Halen.
We reached out to Raul’s office, but apparently he is on a trip to Paris for the week. “I called him this morning when he didn’t come in, and all I received was a voice mail informing me that he had gone on a last minute trip to Paris to close a business deal there,” recalled his assistant, Junie Goldfarb. “It’s weird because Mr. Halen typically keeps a very strict schedule and there was nothing about this trip in his calendar.”
Strange indeed. Our next stop on our investigation was to Eric Trump’s office, which was right next door to Raul’s and had almost the exact same layout as his neighbor. His assistant told us that he would be back soon from a meeting, but it was painfully obvious that Mr. Trump was sitting on his couch listening to the latest Phil Collins record, Going Back. “Isn’t that him, right there, bobbing his head to “In My Lonely Room?” we inquired.
“Nope, I have no idea what you are talking about. Wow, Donald was right, you fake news people really are out of control,” his assistant then proceeded to pick up her phone and pretend to make a reservation at Dorsia for her and her boyfriend that evening, but the light on her phone indicated that there was no call made.
Disappointed, but not surprised, we decided to go through the typical rigmarole of getting an interview with Eric. A few hours later we received a call from his office, telling us that he was available to answer any questions we had.
“Mr. Trump, thank you for taking the time to speak with us today. Our first question is about your position at the Trump Organization. What do you do on a daily basis?”
“Murders and executions mostly,” Mr. Trump replied with a shrug.
“I’m sorry, what did you say?” we asked again.
“Mergers and acquisitions. Now come on, I don’t have all day.”
“Right. Yes, we wanted to ask what you were doing last night at your associate’s apartment. Raul Halen?”
“Oh right,” Eric said, audibly shifting in his seat, “he took a spontaneous trip to Portland and he wanted me to return some video tapes for him. He should be back soon.”
“Portland, you say? We were told he was headed to Paris.”
“Yes, Paris. What did I say? I meant Paris. Now if you are about done, I have a meeting to get to.”
“Last question, where did you return the tapes to?”
“There is this place in the East Village both Raul and I go to called “Murphy’s,” I took them there.”
“Ok, thank you for your time Mr. Trump.”
“Yeah whatever,” and with that, he hung up the phone.
We looked into Mr. Trump’s claims and there is indeed a place in the East Village called “Murphy’s.” We spoke to the owner and he told us that he has seen someone matching Eric Trump’s description come in and return some tapes, but they were always taped over and ever since then he has been banned from the store. “But I can’t say for sure if it was who you are looking for, all of those Wall Street guys look the same.”
It seems as though our investigation has led to more questions than answers. Questions like: why would Eric Trump need to return Raul’s tapes so soon? Surely he could afford the late fee. How did he take them all the way to Murphy’s Tape Store in the East Village, when Mr. Halen’s apartment is on the Upper East side on 79th street? And most important, is Raul actually on a spontaneous trip to Paris, or is something more sinister afoot?
This story is still developing and we will let you know of any new breaks in the story.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who likes Huey Lewis and The News, in fact he thinks their early work was a little too new wave for his tastes, but when Sports came out in ’83, he thinks they really came into their own, commercially and artistically. The whole album has a clear, crisp sound, and a new sheen of consummate professionalism that really gives the songs a big boost. He’s been compared to Elvis Costello, but he thinks Huey has a far more bitter, cynical sense of humor. Follow him for more music news on Twitter @NPEllwood
[…] Friday’s post on Eric Trump’s suspicious video tape returns was actually written by Brett Easton Ellis, who only asked for credit in the OOPSIES post, which he believes is the future of the Internet. When asked to elaborate, he merely said that he imagines a future where Saturday OOPSIES posts are the only type of publications in the world, just everyone apologizing for everything in anticipation of the Great Leader Slime returning to take the worthy home. Ellis has not spoken to Neil Armstrong, allegedly, since their covert trip to Pluto in 2006. […]