A Neighborhood Watch has been issued for all citizens to unite in crowdsourcing the remaining deficit in award statuettes for the upcoming Academy Awards ceremony. Of the 51 statues to be given out at the Oscars this week, only 27 have actually been produced, and thus the Bureau of Accolade Manufacturing has asked the general public to do them a collective solid in assisting them track and capture 24 more gilded menschen to be slain, gutted, and mounted on stands to be presented and displayed as Academy Awards.
The gilded mensch has been hunted and taxidermized as the universally recognized “Oscar” since 1952, when the Academy experienced a near total reconfiguring of members and leadership as a result of the Technicolor Suspension Act issued by Harvey K. Brawlings, the 40th Invisible President, and former Principal of Global Motion Pictures. This move sought to both reserve statue-making resources for more prestigious awards, and to curb the rapid growth in population of the common gilded mensch.
As citizens will find in their Watch-issued “Gilded Mensch Scoop ‘n’ Strangle Guide,” there are several strategies that we recommend in hunting and detaining gilded menschen. The first step is the simplest: recognition. The gilded mensch is but 13.5 inches from head to toe, and though none of them bear unique or defined facial features, their shining golden skin and benign nudity is a dead giveaway. They stay fairly mobile, but follow the proportionate stride of a fit human male who goes to the gym four times a week and chooses to take the stairs at work rather than the elevator. He does this both because it’s good for his cardio and because he just can’t seem to avoid Becky on the elevator, who he knows wants to have an affair with him, but he’s still weighing the potential repercussions that would follow that decision. More on this story at another time.
The gilded mensch will attempt to hide its shimmering flesh by wrapping itself in disposed-of candy wrappers and other scrap paper products it finds lying around. In order to eliminate potential cover for the menschen, all citizens’ incinerator privileges have been reinstated for the remainder of the week, and are asked to dispose of all paper products via incinerator. Citizens who do not comply will be fined heavily.
For citizens who do not own traditional mensch traps, instructions have been included in your guides for construction of your own using common household items such as silverware, hot glue, and the Glass Spear of Tarzoth. Though it is dense with gilded menschen, citizens are also reminded not to lay traps within 300 feet of Mozart Science Park as it is their breeding ground and is out of trapping jurisdiction according to the Mensch Agreement of 2003. Mensch scoops are being made available at all corner stores and newsstands.
Once citizens capture a gilded mensch, they may either call a Watch or BAM officer to come and collect their trap (which will be returned within 5 business days), or proceed with the ritual strangling themselves, and mail the gilded mensch to the BAM in a standard envelope. If you are unconfident in your strangling form, call an officer, and do not – we repeat, do not – attempt to mail a live mensch.
Thank you for your cooperation in this matter, citizens. Together, we will ensure the responsible capture and stuffing necessary to make for a lovely Academy Awards ceremony. Contact the Neighborhood Watch for any further questions, and remember: the only way to know thy neighbor is to watch them.
This article was written by Kevin Harrington-Bain, who was raised by a family of Golden Mensch’s before returning to his biological family on his 13th birthday with a mysterious scar on his forehead. Follow him for more on twitter @kkevinb