OOPSIES: Week of February 20th, 2017


Here at Eritas Daily, we strive to hold ourselves to a high level of integrity. In the world of journalism, it is increasingly hard to discern between reputable sources and the president’s office. In our efforts to maintain a certain standard of accountability, each week we will make corrections to posts after more information comes to light.


In Monday’s post on the top 10 most underrated pictures of all time, the Trump administration notified Eritas of our glaring omission of their recent documentary, MIKE PENCE: NOT A MOTH, which recently became the only thing failing publications like ourselves and The New York Times are allowed to see when arriving to the White House.


Judith Bee, conservative moviegoer who in Tuesday’s post said the only movies she trusts not to be political are westerns starring Jeff Bridges, has since revised her position since accidentally reading a Huffington Post op-ed on how the movie explains the current political climate. She is furious and will stick to “wholesome” 50s sitcoms.


Several conservative moviegoers reached out after Tuesday’s post on their fears of Sunday’s Oscars broadcast. They felt that the article inaccurately overstated their fears about politics and would be happy to hear a speech from Meryl Streep if it meant that Clint Eastwood could follow up with twice the amount of screen time, “as is natural for the length of time a man should speak over a woman.”


After Wednesday’s guest post from Casey Affleck on how he deserves an Oscar due to his ineffable and incurable sadness, Affleck reached out to say that he felt Eritas edited out some bits about just how sad he is. Eritas apologized, but explained that Ben Affleck keeps drawing attention to his sadness over the Batman franchise, and it is hard to know which Sad Affleck deserves the most attention.


Eritas promised Casey Affleck two posts to further iterate the depth of his sadness. So, here it is, and please stop calling from a payphone and violently crying into the mouthpiece, Casey. New York has germ laws they’re planning to enforce.


After Thursday’s post on Jeff Sessions’ hope that Gone With the Wind will win Best Picture at the Oscars, Sessions clarified that he did know the Oscar rules, but that “Gone With the Wind should win automatically until movies get back to the basics.” As for the question of what these “basics” are, Sessions gave a knowing look and sank back into the wall.


Jeff Sessions was further asked which documentary he would be voting for: the OJ doc, the James Baldwin doc, or the mass incarceration as the new slavery doc. He began shivering uncontrollably and has been wearing a heated blanket underneath his Sears suit ever since.


In Friday’s post on seeking out, slaughtering, and collecting the required amount of gilded menschen for Sunday’s Oscar trophies, the author in no way intended to condone this lethal practice that takes the lives of 51 menschen yearly. However, he failed to comment on the nature of his family’s Mensch in a Pinch recipe.


The authors at Eritas regret these mistakes, and have given their Oscar tickets along with complimentary human disguises to a family of gilded mensches as a show of good will and progress.


This article was written by Ben Taylor, who has never been to Boston in the fall. Follow him for more on Twitter @therealbenshady


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