“Russian Ties? More Like Smussian Smies!” Yells Man Who is Clearly in Control


(Newport News, VA) It was only a short 3 weeks after Trump gave his joint address to members of Congress that a Washington Post article was published regarding Attorney General Jeff Sessions and the meetings he had with Russian officials during the presidential campaign. This article claimed that there were at least two meetings between Sessions and Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak. Already, many members of congress have called for the resignation of the attorney general and others are curious as to what this means when it comes to Trump’s own ties with Russia.


Wait, hold on, I am seeing online now that less than 72 hours have passed since POTUS addressed congress, Tuesday evening. It sure feels like time is going a lot slower lately, has anyone noticed that? Regardless, let’s continue on with the story.


Speaking aboard an aircraft carrier for some reason, POTUS handled questions from the press about said allegations against his AG. “Listen folks, there is a lot of news out there. A lot of news. There is so much news that you can’t trust all of it. You just can’t. Everyone knows this. I know it. You know it. Okay?”


CNN reporter Yves Nelson chuckled to himself before responding, “Yes of course, but again, my question was about Jeff Sessions. Do you think he lied about talking with the Russian Ambassador during your campaign?”


“I’m sure he was telling the truth. Listen, Jeff is a tremendous guy. Tremendous. I have bigly trust with that guy. I think he’s going to do a great job as attorney general.” Trump seemed upset that he had had to answer the same question twice and made his patented confused face.


“Well do you think Sessions should face any consequences for his failure to disclose this fact or, as some are claiming, the perjury he may have committed at his confirmation hearings?”


“Yeah I don’t think so,” Trump was visibly annoyed, rolling his eyes repeatedly and spinning his head on his neck 360 degrees in a “oh my god I can’t believe you people” type of way. “Here is the thing folks, we have got a lot more on our plates than all of this nonsense and fake news. We need to help our friends in Sweden, in Bowling Green, etc. I won’t rest until Isla-I mean ISIS, is defeated! Now, if you need to reach me, I’ll be in Mar-a-Lago.”


“One last question sir,” Fox News actor Charlie Craig asked, trying to catch the president as he walked away from the microphone, “Don’t you think it’s going to be pretty hard to spin this into something palatable for our viewers? Even we have our limits. What do you have to say about all the people in your administration with Russian ties?”


“Russian ties?” Trump turned back to the press pool, a whole new shade of reddish, orangish green spreading across his face, “Russian ties? More like Smussian Smies!”


With that, he walked away surrounded by his entourage, which now included a live Tiger. Quickly appearing from behind a barrel to the left of the stage, Sean Spicer popped up to the microphone and closed out the remarks by saying, “Wow. Talk about Presidential, am I right?”


It is too soon to see what will come of this recently uncovered story about Attorney General Sessions and his involvement with Russia, but it does seem like everything is fine. I am not sure what it was about Trump, whether it was the way he handled three questions in one press conference without declaring someone’s entire existence fake news, or when he employed a child’s technique for ending an argument, but that press conference really felt presidential. I have total faith in our government and their ability to deliver on all of their promises, without the exclusion of any individual based on race, religion, orientation, sex, or gender.


I can already tell that people are not going to be happy with this recent shift in opinion, but you heard him speak good at this last conference and boy did he speak good. He read everything Bannon wrote for him and only once pulled a gun on a White House aide. Forget his entire career of racist rhetoric, flagrant misogyny, and the fact that he literally tried to ban an entire group of people from our country simply because of who they worship. That is all in the past. This whole day has been such a big improvement that we are now going to, along with the rest of the media, trust everything he says. After all, he is the president.


Also, if anyone knows, why did Thursday last for 37 hours instead of the usual 24? Would love to figure this out, because boy does it really mess with your sleep schedule.


This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who has recently visited the Sunken Place for himself and thinks it gets a bad rap. He might even consider getting a time share there. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood


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