Here at Eritas Daily, we strive to hold ourselves to a high level of integrity. In the world of journalism, it is increasingly hard to discern between reputable sources and what our Slimegod Overlords mind blast into our brains every day at 11:23 am. In our efforts to maintain a certain standard of accountability, each week we will make corrections to posts after more information comes to light.
In Monday’s exclusive interview with Oscar host and funnyman Jimmy Kimmel, he claimed that he was having guests on his show with real names. However. according to the ABC website, Kimmel reportedly spoke with someone named “Mike Birbiglia,” which is obviously not a real name.
On Tuesday, we reported on the press conference that Trump gave about the seven newly discovered planets found in the Trappist-1 system. We falsely claimed that there were scientists from NASA there and that those engineers were the same ones who had made this discovery. As it was relayed to us via a 3am Spicer Alert™, it turns out that NASA is actually just a long, drawn out episode of something called Punk’D. Our apologies to the White House and the general public for this misstep in our reporting.
Wednesday’s article on the strange lights in the distance outside of our gentle corn-maze district was completely and totally accurate. We have nothing new to report, other than the fact that ever since our midweek report, no one has been able to locate this district or find any evidence that such a place ever existed. More on this, soon.
On Thursday, we ran an op-ed piece by our very own Sean Spicer on his experience with Kellyanne Conway and a hotdog back in 2004. Conway has since reached out to us and has requested in future reports that we mentioned her by her true name, Meridixia Fyserlyn. We have consulted our Ancient Majick’s division and apparently this name was last seen in a text predating Moses that spoke of a succubus who would “bring about an eradication of souls unlike anything ever seen.” I, for one, applaud Conway for asking to be called by the name she truly feels fits her own self. It would be insensitive and hostile to call her something else, especially after she made a special request for us to do so.
In Friday’s report on the Trump administration’s possible ties with Russia, we made the fatal mistake of taking POTUS at his word. We apologize for this. As journalists, it is our purpose to find our own stories and not rely on the words of any man in a position of power to pick what we investigate. Now, if you will allow us, we need to finish our piece on the wire-tapping that Obama single-handedly performed on Trump Tower last October.
Thank you again for bearing with us as we work through our mistakes and trudge on toward a greater, bloodier future. We can’t say for certain if the future will actually be greater, but we know for a fact that the Blood Feud is coming and that it will be bloodier than our carnage strewn past.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who has a degree from Havard University in Good Journalism, so you can count on him. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.