(Washington D.C.) I remember it like it was yesterday. It was the last game of the regular season and we were playing the Montreal Expos. 2x Cy Young award winner and 10x All-Star Tom Glavine was on the mound, it was sure to be an amazing day. It was the bottom of the 3rd when I felt that incessant crave to get a good ol’ hot dog. I lifted up my hand to get the attention of the hot dog salesman walking down my aisle and as I was reaching over to exchange my crisp 3 dollar bill for a juicy wurst, that devil-woman KC stole it right from my hand!
Now, you may be wondering, what happened next? And to tell you the truth, the next five minutes of my life following this event might be my lowest. So it is with a heavy heart, that I proceed with this story.
Looking towards Kellyanne with mouth agape in shear horror, I politely inquired, “Hey! What’s up with you taking my dog from me?”
Kellyanne Conway, bain of my existence, looked me straight in the eyes and said “This is my hot dog, and I am going to eat it now.” Upon saying this, she walked away slowly up the stairs with obvious purpose.
“Hey! Hey wait” I yelled, getting out of my seat and awkwardly moving past the hot dog man. “Come back here!”
From the top of the stairs, she looked at me with half closed eyes, “You are a fool. A witless and incredible fool.” As she hissed this, a sudden wind blew down from her higher ground and nearly blew me off my feet. Her hair came alive and snapped at me, it was as if it was made of snakes. I locked eyes with hers and saw that there were no iris or sclera, only a deep black that stretched from lid to lid.
In an instant, all of my motor functions were brought to a halt. I could move my eyes, but everything else was completely paralyzed. The wind that had been blowing was now close to tipping me over. The last sight I saw before falling backwards was Kellyanne slowly biting down on my stolen, succulent sausage and on her face I could make out a mixture of glee and pure hatred.
The next thing I saw was the sky, and then the field, and then the sky again. I was tumbling down the stands and making my way towards the third base dugout. The Expos players saw me coming, but apparently were so caught off guard they didn’t know what to do and just stood there observing the train wreck. Upon reaching the front row, I catapulted over the barrier and landed on the field.
During this tumultuous fall, my pants had apparently fallen down and were around my ankles. Thus, my pale white thighs and Hulk Hogan boxer briefs were on display for the entire ballpark.
This was my rock bottom.
But every story has its silver lining I suppose. Donald Trump was in attendance for the game and happened to see the entire thing. Sources from within his box say that he didn’t stop laughing his cruel laugh for a full forty-five minutes. After he did, he asked someone to please find out who that buffoon is so that I can use him someday to do my bidding. And yeah, now 13 years later I am the White House Press Secretary and Kellyanne and I work together. She doesn’t even seem to remember this happening, but every time I hear her high heels in the hallway a shiver runs down my spine. I also am still not over the hot dog incident, which is why I wrote this op-ed piece. Thanks for hearing my story.
This article was written by Sean Spicer with help from Nathan Ellwood. Sean has some serious issues bottled up and should seek professional help. Follow them for more on Twitter @SpicyBoi and @NPEllwood