Tim Tebow Eyes Golf as Next Sport He’ll Pursue Mediocrity In


(Port St. Lucie, FL) Baseball season is right around the corner and Spring Training is in full swing as the players shake off their winter hibernation and get back out on the diamond. In Florida, all eyes so far have been on Tim Tebow who is currently making his way up the minor league road towards the majors with the New York Mets. It seems like the entire Bible belt is taking a deep breath and tightening the notches in anticipation for Tebow’s next challenge.


Before we look into Tebow’s prospects as a major league ballplayer, let’s first take a look at how he got here. He began his football career with the Florida Gators where he was known for his signature style of running option pass routes and biting off defense players arms at the elbow brought him enormous success, gaining him the Heisman Trophy in 2007 and cementing him as a force to be reckoned with. He continued in both 2008 and 2009 to put numbers on the boards and continue his ruthless campaign against players seeking to maintain all of their limbs.


After completing his senior year, all eyes were on him as he entered into the NFL draft. Many commentators didn’t believe Tebow had what it would take to succeed as a quarterback, citing that college ball was far more lenient when it came to flesh wounds and what constitutes a complete pass. However, defying the odds, he was drafted in the first round by the Denver Broncos and in 2010 he began his football career.


Unfortunately, it turned out that the reports were correct in predicting Tebow’s performance in the NFL. His aggressive style and ruthless brutality did not have any place in a professional setting. The one saving grace for his career was that he was outwardly Christian and praised God whenever he got the chance to celebrate any victory in his career, which were becoming further apart as time dragged on. Similar to Josh Hamilton’s stint with the Texas Rangers, Tebow’s lack of skill did not deter his fans from standing behind him 100 percent.


Using this momentum, but also understanding that he was not cut out for the NFL, Tebow pivoted from smashing skulls into building homes with his Fox show HOME FREE. Alongside renowned ghoul slayer Clint Magic, Tebow hit his stride as a show host and has had success in this endeavor. Now it seems that even though the show was renewed for another season, Tebow’s need for bloodshed has not been satiated in this new line of work. Thus, baseball, America’s Bloodiest Sport™.


Unlike Michael Jordan, Tim Tebow left football for his lack of skill, not abundance of it. This fact alone has many fans and spectators questioning whether he has what it takes for the MLB. “I’m not sure he has what it takes to crush a man’s skull with his own two hands,” former baseball legend and current night club bouncer Mark McGwire was reported saying. “He might have nibbled a few men’s arms in the NFL, but that is nothing compared to what transpires on the field.”


And it does appear that this has gotten back to Tebow and weakened his resolve.  During a recent press conference he paced back and forth, asking the reporters gathered “how can I be a baseball player without the support of Mark McGwire? Everyone knows and loves him in the sport. His word is held in the highest regard.”


“But Tim, the regular season is still a few weeks away,” Peter Chan of ESPN assured him, “You’ve hardly even been given a chance to prove yourself out there.”


“No no no no! Listen here, I am very bad at dealing with the idea that I am not good enough to be in a professional sport. If baseball won’t have me, I’ll go somewhere else.”


“What are you talking about?”


“Jamie Lee Curtis taught me that if things start going downhill, all you have to do is pivot! ‘Pivot, pivot, pivot’ she always told me.’ At this point, most reporters were adjusting their position in their seats, clearly uncomfortable and confused. “I know what I’ll do, I’ll be a golfer! That is perfect.”


“But Tim, what makes you think you can be a golfer?” asked head of MLB Tonight, Jud Felix.


“First of all, I can all things through Christ who strengthens me, that’s in the bible. Look it up. Obviously, God made me stronger than most humans so that means I can whatever the flip I want. Second of all, I already have the same fan base as most golfers, I’m white, and I feel like it’s probably easier to hit a ball off a tee than someone throwing one at me at 90 mph.” With that, he ran off the stage and reportedly bought out the nearest PING outlet while assembling his outfit for the upcoming PGA tour.


It still remains to be seen what Tebow’s next step will be, but I am sure he will be mediocre enough for his fans to declare him the greatest of all time. We wish him the best of luck in that pursuit.


This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who doesn’t really care about sports but not in an aggressive, Big Bang Theory type of way. Follow him for probably three sports related tweets a year on Twitter @NPEllwood

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