OOPSIES: Week of March 13th, 2017

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Here at Eritas Daily, we strive to hold ourselves to a high level of integrity. In the world of journalism, it is increasingly hard to discern between reputable sources and the preferences of washed-up athletes and politicians. In our efforts to maintain a certain standard of accountability, each week we will make corrections to posts after more information comes to light.

While it is well known that Tim Tebow’s dismembering rampages mentioned in Monday’s article accelerated research and development in the field of bionic prosthetic limbs, the Trump administration announced just this week that this field was being defunded as the replacement of limbs and restoration of joy and increase in quality of life for those who had lost them simply wasn’t yielding any results. Additionally, recent allegations claim that immediately following his showy praises to the Christian God, Tebow would invariably then mutter a redirection of those praises to his true deity, the Great Ground Eagle, under his breath. Sources have recordings of his recitation of The Nesting Prayer, as well as the Exhortation of the Talons Three. We are standing by for any response from Tebow or his representatives.

In the exchange recorded between Nathan and Beth in Tuesday’s article on hammerhead sharks, it was implied by the author’s tone and resolution of the conversation that God does not actually have big plans for hammerhead sharks, when all interviews conducted with God on the matter indicate that She does, but it is not yet in her will or timing to reveal the nature of such plans. God has been equally silent on her purpose and plan for the BBC.

In the excitement and confusion of Wednesday’s story about the Jeb! Campaign bus’s demolition of a Wisconsin home, the copy editor was unable to catch the recurring typo of Jeb! Bush’s name as simply Jeb. A formal apology and bagel basket have been sent to the Bush estate. As a follow-up with the Bashir family, it appears that Waqar received the Lego Batman Riddler Riddle Racer set rather than the “absurdly overpriced” Arkham Asylum set as compensation from his father for participating in the interview with Eritas. It is reported that because the set includes the Batman minifig and uses window pieces as headlights for the car, it is still “pretty cool.”

Marty Stanwick (or Hanwick, as he was called post-ascension), the subject of Thursday’s article, has made contact again to notify his bowling league that, having glimpsed the singularity, it is imperative to the cosmic order that they suspend the current season and refurbish lanes 3 and 12 before allowing any further pro-level play. Additionally, while he initially touted his lack of a Snapchat as a point of superiority, he now bemoans this choice as he is the only Ascended One without one, and any attempt to hold a smartphone results in its immediate vaporization in the midst of his glory.

Following Friday’s article, Brett Favre reached out to Eritas to convey a public apology to the good people of Jason’s Deli, as well as to ease the anxiety of those who now fear that they might find themselves suddenly in a brawl with the former NFL star should they walk into a Buffalo Wild Wings. Both of these establishments have accepted Favre’s apologies and endorsements. The author of the article, however, “never will, not ever, end of story,” adding that, “being a grade-A jerk is the one thing you can’t retire from.”

This article was written by Kevin Harrington-Bain who has some pretty good ideas for hammerhead sharks himself. Ask him about it sometime. Follow him for more on Twitter @kkevinb.

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