Breaking: Jeb! Campaign Bus Warps Through Family’s Living Room, Injuring 3

797895_gop-2016-bush-jpeg-025fc(Madison, WI) Tuesday evening seemed like it was going to be a typical weekday night for the Bashir family. They were just finishing up dinner and about to settle in for a movie when out of nowhere a giant bus with the unforgettable “Jeb!” slogan crashed through their living room, injuring 3 and causing massive property damage. The police are still unsure where the bus came from, but initial eye-witness reports claim that a purple portal opened up seconds before the bus came crashing into the family’s house.

We caught up with the Aasim Bashir, father and professor at the local community college, about what took place at his home yesterday evening. According to Mr. Bashir, there was no indication or warning before the bus came crashing into their living room. “We were all just settling in for a movie,” he explained, “My wife Rayah and daughter Nimaah were looking through our Netflix queue and arguing about whether we were going to watch Zootopia or rewatch Trainspotting for the twentieth time. I was just about to step in and try to settle on a choice when the bus came flying in.”

“We were told there was a portal of some kind, is that correct?”

“Yes. Seconds before the bus emerged I noticed a purple portal, just barely visible in the dying sunlight,” Aasim seemed troubled when he recalled seeing the portal. “I don’t remember much after that, when the crash happened I promptly fainted and woke up after the bus had already warped somewhere else, apparently.”

Rayah, Nimaah, and Zuti, eldest son of the Bashir family, are all currently at University Hospital receiving treatment for their various scratches and bruises. Thankfully, none of them were seriously injured, more shocked than anything. Since we did not want to disturb them as they recovered, we caught up with the youngest of the family, Waqar, to hear his own retelling of the events.

“I had just finished brushing my teeth, which I do after every meal because my mom wants me to. She always says that having a clean smile is important, but I just like the way the brush feels against my chompers,” it should be said that Waqar is 8 years old and incredibly cute. “I had just finished singing my teeth brushing song when I heard a big crash!”

“Wow, that must have been scary. Where you afraid?”

“No way, I was concerned for my family! I went back out to the living room and found my dad sleeping on the floor like a silly goose. I saw that some of the wall had fallen over on my mom and sister, so I made sure they were OK, but I couldn’t find Zuti anywhere.”

“Where was he?”

“He was on the other side of the bus with some people I had never seen before, I think they came from the bus!” Waqar was an excellent storyteller for someone so young. “I said to them, ‘hey who are you? Is my brother OK?’ They told me that he was fine, but that they weren’t sure who we were or how they had gotten there.”

“I am very sorry about this,” said one of the women, who was not short.” We had just been driving down the highway on our way to a campaign event in Scottsdale when all of a sudden we hit something that brought the bus to a grinding halt. I guess that something was your house.”

“I asked them who Jeb! was and they told me it was the slogan for Jeb Bush and that he was running for president. I said to them, ‘But I thought Donald Trump was president?’”

“What do you mean?” asked another woman, who wasn’t tall. “The primaries are not even over, how could he be the president?”

“I turned on the TV and showed them the latest CNN news segment about how Trump had ‘Done it again,’ hoping that that would clear up any confusion. Instead, they became very angry!” Waqar seemed honestly disappointed at this change in their mood. “Before I could ask them why they were so angry, they got back into their bus and all of a sudden it was gone with a Bap!”

“A Bap?”

“Yes, the bus went Bap and then it was gone,” Waqar explained. “It was like it had never been there at all. Can I go play with my Legos now? My dad said if I did this interview he would buy me new Arkham Asylum set.”

With that, the youngest member of the Bashir family took off his microphone and went to go find his dad. We are happy to report that the rest of the family has been dismissed from the hospital and should all be home together again soon. It seems we may never know where those Jeb! campaigners went to next, but for now we are glad that the family they affected are all safe.

Another note of good news, the Bush Foundation has offered to pay for all of the repairs that need to be done on the Bashir house. Jeb is said to deeply regret any harm he might have caused them: “I would offer to go apologize in person, but I am told that Nimaah Bashir now is triggered by any picture of me that she sees and won’t stop screaming until the picture is removed from her presence. I guess you can just add her to the list of women who won’t stop screaming upon seeing my face.”

We think that he meant this in a good way, but like everything that Jeb utters, it was too awkward for us to figure out and we just wanted to leave. If anyone sees a Jeb! campaign bus, please let us know, so we can tell them the news and see if we can harness the bus’s powers for good.

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who was a firm Jeb! supported simply for the memes and none of the policies. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood

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