(Eugene, OR) Local sales rep and amateur bowling champion Marty Stanwick shocked the world late Wednesday night when he proclaimed loudly at a dinner party, “Yeah I don’t follow politics.” Eye witnesses claim that a hush fell across the entire dining room while all eyes fell on Marty, who did not notice the sudden shift in mood and took a giant bite out of his hotdog before noticing the room had gone quiet. Just as he was about to say something, a loud trumpet sound obliterated everyone’s eardrums and all eyes were averted as a glorious light began to shine from Mr Stanwick, as if he were the sun.
Upon nearly blinding his friends and dinner guests, Marty wished to let them know they had his deepest apologizes, but before he opened his mouth he flew straight through the ceiling of the house and hyper jumped straight into the next galaxy over. As soon as he was gone, the entire room fell into a darkness that was emphasized by everyone’s eyes still recovering from the holy light shone upon them. We asked around and none of the guests have any idea where Marty has blasted off to, but they all wish him the best on his quest.
We were not satisfied with this answer and could not begin to understand why all of the guests seemed so calm about the disappearance of their close friend. “I sure hope Marty gets home soon, we have a bowling tournament coming up and he’s our ace in the hole,” bemoaned bowling teammate Ankit Bhatt.
After a few hours of digging around online, we were able to find Mr. Stanwick’s public Facebook profile. Apparently, ever since his stunt at the Semi-Annual Springtime Dinner Festival, he had been basically liveblogging his higher existence. “Don’t worry about me guys, seriously. Today I rode a sunbeam and tomorrow we are going to enter Messier 104 (a supermassive black hole) to see if we can glimpse the singularity.
We decided to write Marty to see if we could catch him for a quick interview before he attempted something even Albert Einstein described as Looney Toons. He fortunately agreed but he wanted to keep preparing for his mission so we decided to FaceTime him in from his position somewhere in the universe. “Hello Mr. Stanwick, can you hear us?”
“Yes I can hear you. I hear everyone now. I guess Uncle Ben was right about power and responsibility,” replied Marty, floating and dressed all in white.
“Of course. Now Marty, what’s it like up there? What made you so favored in the eyes of Slime?”
“It’s really quite simple actually, I didn’t allow my brain to fall victim into the traps of your lowly world. I never got a Snapchat, I read Jonathan Franzen books almost aggressively, and I didn’t follow politics.”
“What do you mean you ‘didn’t follow politics?’ That sounds like a lofty claim.”
“And I did not make it lightly. I simply had not bogged myself down with the weights of the commoner as you all have. The higher beings that allowed me to come here knew that I was already thinking about greater things, so greater things were given to me,” declared Stanwick. “Also, this has nothing to do with any form of religion that you could understand. I am still a devout atheist and this was obviously done by some higher being, just not the ones you are thinking of.”
Before we could properly finish the interview, a glowing figure came on screen behind Marty and spoke to him in a language I couldn’t comprehend. Apparently the message was something along the lines of “hang up the call” because he turned away from the bright giant in order to turn off the webcam he had been recording on.
It seems as though Marty Hanwick is now existing on a higher plane of existence that we are deemed not worthy enough to experience. Now, to me it sounds like he just took some basic steps to improve his daily life and next thing you know he had leap frogged a few evolutionary steps and jumped into a higher dimension. Take this as an encouragement as you go about your day: if it happened to him, it can almost certainly happen to me.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who will fly straight into a black hole if you may him enough. Actually, I’ll do it for free. Better yet, let me pay you to fly my into a black hole. I’ll do it. Before then, you can follow him on Twitter @NPEllwood