(Washington D.C.) Two months into President Trump’s administration, it is hard to know who your friends are. Like a graduating class of fraternity brothers who did a lot of stupid, always questionable, often illegal stunts until their private university handed them a diploma and said, “You’re an adult,” the men and two women who were once inseparable on their way to the White House doors are breaking up. Or are they back together? Well, it’s complicated.
An anonymous White House insider has leaked information about the Trump team’s new approach to politics. “They call it friend zoning, which is something that Paul Ryan learned about firsthand during his middle, high school, college, and early and later adult years and is a big advocate for.”
It is odd to think of Paul Ryan being the expert on a topic—even if he is the one on the receiving end of a great personal loss—but one must remember that the Trump administration is mostly rich white men and women who always get what they want, even if they have to grab it without permission.
Although Trump first wanted to show a unified front of a strong Republican rule, even he is starting to realize that he doesn’t like sharing the same soap. As the FBI continues its investigation into Russian interference perpetuated during the election, friend zoning is the now the official strategy of Donny and the Boys.
“Well,” FBI Director James Comey conceded, “We keep finding American hands in the Russian cookie jar. We’re finding the biggest hands first, the most obvious ones now, but sooner or later we’ll find the smallest hands. I’m talking about some of the smallest hands you’ve ever seen. You might mistake them for Halloween cookies before you realize they’re just tiny and orange. I mean, unbelievably microscopic hands.”
Comey, once on the verge of an intimate relationship with the Trump administration after his own interference in the 2016 election, has now been friend zoned by GOP members who can’t believe the FBI would attempt neutrality after a blatant obstruction of the democratic process.
Of course, Comey is not the only one getting friend zoned. Kellyanne Conway’s TV tour bonanza met a swift end before she drank Steve Bannon’s immortality potion and returned to her younger self, Tomi Lahren. Ben Carson is no longer allowed to share his opinion on slavery, which at one point was the only thing President Trump wanted him to talk about. Jeff Sessions has not been seen since he came under FBI scrutiny, but reports have surfaced that he has been sent to an “elderly farm” in Moscow.
One person is still optimistic about friend zone politics, and that is eternally-optimistic-for-all-the-wrong-reasons Paul Ryan. “I see friend zone politics a lot like I see healthcare,” he explains. “As soon as you can tell that someone is exhibiting symptoms—say, a cough or a runny nose—you disassociate from them immediately. They might die, and you don’t want their blood on your hands, so you pretend that you never knew them. Everyone I have ever loved has done it to me, and I plan on exacting my revenge through my destruction of America as we know it. I hope you’re watching, Dad. I really hope you’re watching.”
This article was written by Ben Taylor, who once tried to run a trust fall exercise that ended in three hospital visits. Follow him for more on Twitter @therealbenshady