(Portland, OR) “Jason Derulo!” is what many are calling the modern equivalent of Ralph Waldo Emerson’s ‘shot heard around the world’ after recent events here in Portland. A local resident was doing her grocery shopping at the nearest Whole Foods market when she accidentally dropped her phone, unplugging her headphones and exposing herself to the world. Gasps were heard and parents covered their child’s ears as the opening notes of “Talk Dirty to Me” echoed throughout the cheese aisle. It is still too early to tell, but we believe that this song was intentionally being listened to by 27-year-old event planner, Lee Zhu, for her own enjoyment.

 

Now, obviously this is a very complex and touchy subject for many of our readers, so we will be extra careful in our reporting on this heinous act. We caught up with Lee at home later that same day and asked her what she had been doing at Whole Foods. “Well, I am having some friends over later and I am cooking for them so I needed to pick up a few things,” she said while unpacking a bottle of wine from her re-usable bag. “I am not really sure why you are here interviewing me to be honest. What is all this about?”

 

“Oh, you don’t remember when you dropped your phone?” we asked, trying to be sensitive.

 

“Right, I forgot about that. I was really worried because I am a few months away from getting an upgrade and I have made it this far without getting insurance for my phone. Thankfully it didn’t crack! But what does that have to do with you and your organization?”

 

“Well, it wasn’t just that you dropped your phone, but that when your headphones became unplugged and started playing,” I paused, trying to think of how to say the next few words, “pop music.”

 

Lee thought about it briefly before replying “Okay. And?”

 

We were dumbfounded and weren’t sure if she were feigning ignorance to avoid ridicule or simply did not know that what she had done was a punishable offense under Portland city code. We told her that we had everything we needed for our story on a new grocery store app and thanked her for her time. As we left her house, we heard the faint sounds of Katy Perry coming from her kitchen and saw her bobbing her head along to the beat. What is wrong with this woman? We intend to find out.

 

After doing a brief search through her Facebook, we found a few friends of hers that were willing to talk with us. Most of them didn’t seem worried about the claims that we were making against her, calling us fake news or sensationalist journalism, but we weren’t deterred. In the end, we caught up with a former classmate of hers who told us she had had a similar experience with her in college.

 

“One time in the dorms, I went into the communal shower area and found her by herself listening to a Chris Brown album,” reported Janet Snakehole. “This was before the thing with Rihanna, so it wasn’t offensive to listen to his music because he is an asshole, but because of his pop vocals. I hope that she can get the help that she needs. Maybe if she listened to some Neutral Milk Hotel or Rug Company Brigade every once in a while, that will set her straight.”

 

From our investigative reporting, it seems like Lee Zhu is simply a pop music fan and does not understand the error of her ways. She has been brought in by authorities and according to an inside source is now undergoing the Joy Division Re-education program. We wish her the best and hope, like Janet said, that she can get the help that she needs.

 

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who only listens to Tibetan Monk Chants Volume 3 and has ever since moving to Austin. It’s just the way they do things there. Follow him for more music news and reviews on Twitter @NPEllwood