OOPSIES: Week of March 20th, 2017

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Here at Eritas Daily, we strive to hold ourselves to a high level of integrity. In the world of journalism, it is increasingly hard to discern between reputable sources and your uncle’s obscure alt-right personal blog. In our efforts to maintain a certain standard of accountability, each week we will make corrections to posts after more information comes to light.

 

In Monday’s report on all of your dairy products turning into June bugs, the author flippantly noted that June bugs are harmless. The reader will remember that the reason we do not have other monthly bugs, such as September bugs or the snow leopard December bugs, is because the June bugs long ago won a war that no insect dares to speak of anymore. We remain prayerful, however, that the quest of the One-Eyed Mantis is fruitful and returns us our bug calendar system with haste.

 

In Tuesday’s post on the Trump administration testing friend zone politics as a way of maintaining distance from each other’s, at this point, obvious Russian ties, the author failed to mention that Russian president Vladimir Putin first initiated friend zone politics on Donald Trump, as he has not returned any of Donny’s calls since winning the election. One cannot begin to guess why, as logic is now technically illegal under Executive Order 45^#1b, which stipulates that all citizens must admit they are only guessing at the truth that Lord Bannon knows in his beatless heart.

 

In Wednesday’s post on the local Portland woman who unashamedly listens to pop music, the author would like to clarify that, prior to this report, he was unfamiliar with the names Jason Derulo and Katy Perry. He did not, under any circumstances, conduct an independent research of their discography, add them on the music app BandsInTown, or purchase their music on cassette at an Urban Outfitters. All reports that say otherwise are chained to the rhythm of their dirty talking lies!

 

Since Thursday’s post on private footage revealing that Paul Ryan eats actual worms covered in spaghetti sauce, Eritas Daily has been contacted by Sean Spicer, who reminded us that pending our upcoming Moth Pence v. Eritas Daily trial, we are not allowed to comment on any alleged video footage of any White House official unless first directing readers to the 2017 propaganda masterpiece, MIKE PENCE NOT A MOTH. We regret the omission and invite our readership to review this film in full.

 

Friday’s post on four things you may not know about the new healthcare act contained no mistakes. Under the Affordable Health Care Act, you will die and you will be held responsible for it in the Halls of History, a wax museum that President Trump has commissioned from Mr. Ripley in an ongoing business deal that Trump refused to end before taking office.

 

For these and other journalistic mistakes, we repent to our insurance providers and beg their forgiveness, if not their coverage and low premiums.

 

This article was written by Ben Taylor, who loves to bop. Follow him for more on Twitter @therealbenshady

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