Photo credit: finch on twitter
Democrats have come out in full force to oppose the Republican Affordable Health Care Act, otherwise known as Paul Ryan’s Private Revenge Diary. But how much do opponents really know about the Affordable Health Care Act? Get to know specific amendments to the plan before the GOP comes for you like a serial killer in the night.
1. The Plague Addendum
Republicans have a popular motto for how well they know their Bible: say what I want to hear! And what Republicans hear when they read the plagues brought upon the Pharaoh and his people is that something’s got to give, and that something is probably your children. As soon as the AHCA passes, all families must paint red Xs on their doors in order to avoid the Plague Addendum, which stipulates that all incompliant families must sacrifice their firstborn. Can’t afford the red paint? Use the blood from your whooping cough, you pagan!
2. Are Poor People Real? (Or, A Sidebar Takes the Main Stage)
What started as a sidebar conversation in a private GOP meeting has now turned into a full-blown section of the AHCA. Prompted by Paul Ryan, a room of rich Republican white men began a heated debate over whether poor people actually exist. Although they seemed to reach a general consensus—maybe as real as Sasquatch or the Loch Ness Monster, but ultimately unfounded—Sean Spicer told a harrowing tale of an alleged homeless man who once approached him in daylight at a public park. Whether or not the alleged homeless man was real or a paid actor, Spicer couldn’t say, but this being the only time he was in direct contact with the sunlight, the moment stayed with him. Everyone in the room was visibly shaken by the gross thought of a real life poor person. The transcriber for the private meeting—technically illiterate—wrote this sidebar conversation down into the AHCA, and the rest is history: unless you can prove the existence of poor people, you’re likely to remain uninsured.
3. The Trump Family Plan
Jealous of the very palpable distance the Trump family seems to keep from each other? Now you can try it! Under the Trump Family Plan provision of the AHCA, you are legally allowed to distance yourself from any family member that shows signs of illness. Does your spouse have a cough? The Melania Rule says you never have to sleep with him again! Does your child have an ear infection? The Third Child Rule says you can legally forget their name and leave them outside for the nightly Roundup of the Sick! And don’t worry: the sick will be transported to and quarantined in Mexico, whose government will pay for all of this. It’s never been this easy to make family ties a thing of the past.
4. Complimentary Confession Booths
As we stated before, the Republican Party knows their Bible, and although they aren’t Catholic (JFK was one of those, and he was a Democrat, which I notice most people don’t know), they can get with confession. The GOP understands that most sickness is a direct result of people sinning. It is well known that sneezing in a Republican household can get you grounded for a month for whatever unspoken deed caused your nose to run. Although Democrats have been quick to criticize the AHCA for taking many benefits away, Republicans have responded in kind by setting up free confession booths around town. Sick people (read: sinners) can line up and confess their misdeeds and have a Paul Ryan-ordained priest (unpaid) pray for their healing. It may not work, but what does the Bible even say about healing the sick? ZILCH!
Remember, what Paul Ryan has been saying through his toothless, haunting grin in the hours since he rewrote the new healthcare act rings true: what you don’t know might kill you.
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This article was written by Ben Taylor, who has been hoarding Band-Aids for the day they become the only legal cure for any illness. Follow him on Twitter @therealbenshady