(Washington D.C.) Breaking News: in a shocking reveal, a video tape of Paul Ryan repeatedly eating worms with spaghetti sauce every meal for 34 straight days has surfaced, shocking the country. The film was leaked by known Tumblr funnyman, Goobly Seacrest, who posted Sunday evening “OMG head of house a real worm freak?” with a link to the compromising video. It appears, upon viewing the film in question, that to the best of our knowledge this video is real.
Unfortunately, Paul Ryan’s camp has already seized the video and banned all usage of it online until further review can take place. While it is not possible to contain something once it is posted on the internet, we are not going to spread it along and be shot like a messenger. However, what we can do is give you our analysis of the video and let you decide what next steps should be taken against the Man Who Understands Healthcare.
The opening shot is really the worst part of it, just appalling. Have you ever seen Requiem for a Dream? Ok, picture that movie in your mind. Now picture an active-wear clad Paul Ryan taking a giant can of Prego tomato sauce and dumping it over a heaping bowl of worms that look like they were just pulled straight out of the dirt. This is the very first instance recorded, but for some reason it is also the most haunting.
I, personally think it is due to the sheer size of the bowl he is eating out of. It is almost cartoonish how enormous this bowl is, I really can’t believe it. And the worst part is, he slurps down the entire thing. Not a worm left.
What follows for the rest of the 101 meals caught on this tape are some of the most bizarre things ever recorded. I can’t tell if it is supposed to be a strange performance art piece or a documentary on the frailty of human nature, but it made me feel things I didn’t ask to be feeling! During part of the 23rd lunch captured, Ryan is crying the entire time he is eating the squirmy boys. Most of the 4th breakfast is just him making up puns that he can use in his upcoming speech to the plumbing union of Detroit. I think that during the 15th dinner, his head completely spun around 360 degrees, but I was still so distracted by the worm eating that I hardly noticed.
Now, I feel like the logical next question is what happens next? Paul Ryan has spent the last 34 days eating worms and shows no signs of stopping. I am at a loss for words. How can we trust this man to do anything for our government? I don’t trust him around mud or marshy areas any more, much less health care bills or fit bit challenges.
We have decided that there are only two courses of action at this point. We either need a new speaker of the House or someone needs to try worms with spaghetti sauce and let us know if it is good or not. We are leaning towards the latter option, because honestly trying to get something done in government sounds really hard and we are kind of lazy. So, we are putting out a challenge to whomever wants to accept it: eat a bowl of worms with spaghetti and film it, giving a brief 2-minute review of the experience on camera after finishing the bowl. Once we have received this video from you, we will decide how serious of an offense it is based on how good eating it actually tastes. If we decide that it is as truly horrifying as we expect, then we figure out how to impeach a speaker of the House, but if it is actually good then we can let this go for the time being.
So, please send us videos of you eating worms with spaghetti sauce and we’ll do the rest. Just record and send the video. Just eat the worms. Do it. Just do it. Cool, thanks.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who thinks it would be funny to see someone eat that many worms like they were spaghetti. Just a classic funny thing. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood