This is a Neighborhood Watch notice to all citizens of Salt Cake City. Apparently those digital displace signs outside of banks,credit unions, and highway intersections have started telling passing drivers how they will perish. So far, we do not know if these predictions are accurate, but we have to assume that they are 100% true. I drove past one this afternoon and it stated that I would be “digested by an evil not yet revealed,” so I am excited about whatever that could possibly mean. It may seem that this is not worthy of a Neighborhood Watch notice, but this a danger that we don’t truly understand at this point and we want to figure out how bad it possibly could be.
We have received multiple reports that predictions of death have become reality and in the exact manner predicted. Julie Cosner was predicted to pass away in her sleep at the legendary age of 111, and last night, she truly felt inner peace and accepted her fate. Her family tells us that she knew it was her time.
Another elderly gentleman named Casimiro was predicted to be our first citizen to be shot out of the Space Cannon that we bought from the Roving Circus last year. He was said to reach outer space in just seconds, immediately imploding, exploding, then re-imploding, followed by floating 1 million years before being eaten by a distant sun. This all took place three days ago. This, is some pretty spooky stuff.
In other news, I was looking back on my day and I think that I went to a different gas station than I usually do. It was similar to my normal stop and pump, but this one was painted completely in midnight black, with no visible entrance or exit. I shrugged it off as a publicity stunt and filled up my gas with the old dino goo and made my way home, passing by the same bank I had seen earlier in the day. What has me kind of freaking out is that my death prediction had changed.
Instead of what it had said earlier about an evil not yet revealed, when I drove by the bank a second time it stated that I would be “betrayed by the keeper of my heart’s book.” Again, anyone who knows what the hell that means, please let us know, I mean, let me know. Thanks.
Another citizen has confirmed the death predictions are real, when they said that she would die from being hugged too hard by golden retrievers and she did. Truly, the only way to go. A funeral will be held at a time and place that will be revealed to only those who listen to the birds.
I have something else to confess to you, gentle reader. I ordered a sandwich from Subway today and instead of my typical order of triple mayo over double bacon, I decided to go with a simple BLT. I enjoyed my sandwich of Broccoli, Lobster, and Tinfoil, but I got that strange feeling as I did when I went to the dark-obelisk-formerly-known-as-Shell that things in the world had shifted.
I knew immediately what I had to do. I drove straight to the nearest bank I could find with a digital display. When I arrived, it simply said “dreamless nights, dreamless days, your death will come from eating Lays.” I was very confused by the signs, so I rolled down my window and shouted to the car next to me “Hey! What does yours say?”
“It says ‘dreamless nights, dreamless days, your death will come from eating Lay’s,’” replied the driver of a Ford Feista. “What about you?”
“Same,” I said, rolling up my window and driving back towards the office.
According to the news we have coming in, everyone in the entire town now has the exact same message on the screens. This certainly seems like one of Lay’s hilarious viral pranks in order to build brand awareness, but so far it seems like they might be accurately predicting deaths. So please, Salt Cake City, do not eat any Lay’s products until we can figure things out. I know that this will be quite difficult, but it’s something we need to do. Keep us updated and remember to always watch your neighbor, because they are most certainly already watching you.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who is live tweeting the disaster over at @NPEllwood. Follow him there for more feminist rants and alien conspiracy theories.