Boy, Death’s A Coming

dying-gracefully

(Void, Helix Nebula) Kurt Vonnegut once called World War 2 “humanities second failed attempt to commit suicide.” Kurt, was a bit of downer, but he was almost always right about matters like this one. It seems that every couple of decades, humans try our best to destroy ourselves and our world at bigger and faster speeds. With the invention of the atom bomb and the more recent destruction of the art form known as “Vine,” it appears that humans will soon run out of things to live for and have a wide selection of ways to cease the entire experiment. Obviously, humans are only a tiny part of the interstellar family, but they do think so highly of themselves and have become quite entertaining. Why stop all of the fun?

 

We have chosen to provide what aid we can in order to prevent total destruction of the planet they call Earth. In order to do this without them knowing of our interference we will need to take on the form of humans and infiltrate their governments and television shows in order to stave off this nuclear holocaust they all seem to have a hard-on for. I have taken the form of a South Korean general and go by the human name Soo-Jun Yi. My partner has assumed the role of movie star and Tumblr beau known by humans as Chris Pratt.

 

Update: We couldn’t really figure out a solution to the problem, even in our roles as two powerful human beings we could not stop death from coming for the entire planet. We had been wrong, something that we often celebrate in our home galaxy but this time felt bittersweet because we really did like those humans. So it goes.

 

Now, in some more exciting news, we have in our office the first ever being to glimpse the horizon of Kyysnuuk, the massive black hole that we all worshop. Let me go and get him from his hibernation pod and we’ll get right into that interview. Before I do that, let’s get a word from our sponsor.

 

Ever forgotten the difference between happiness and sadness? Ever forgotten what’s fun vs what’s heartbreaking? Ever seen a dying star explode? Then you might want this sticker. Eritas Daily Presents the “Keep Everywhere Weird” sticker. Buy one today!

 

unnamed

 

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who can be reached at Nathan@nathanellwood.com if you are interested in a sticker. You can also follow him on Twitter @NPEllwood

2 comments

  1. […] Wednesday also brought a special report from our affiliate in the Helix Nebula. As with most interstellar reporting, the unreliability of space-time, as well as the creation of parallel pocket dimensions at the utterance of certain concepts into our own reality, every report made in that article is now false and has been sealed off as an ever-looping, self-contained universe in and of itself. The only remaining artifacts of that prior existence are the “Keep Everywhere Weird” stickers, some of which have spawned galaxies of their own, most of which are still available for purchase via @NPEllwood on Twitter. […]

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s