OOPSIES: Week of April 3, 2017

screen-shot-2015-12-29-at-5-23-29-pmHere at Eritas Daily, we strive to hold ourselves to the highest level of integrity. In the world of journalism, it can be difficult to discern between facts, unsolicited interjections, and “joining the conversation,” whatever that means. In our efforts to maintain a certain standard of accountability, each week we will make corrections to posts after more information is delivered to us via handwritten notes crumpled up inside of a yellow envelope.

The office, which served as the setting of Monday’s article concerning Clint Margarine’s penchant for flapping his trap when no one asked him to, was reportedly being acquired by another company, an action which all parties in the story portrayed as positive and without immediate consequence for the work of the office employees. However now, five days later, this has proven to be especially inaccurate as the acquisitioning company, Grotsky & Firebrand, has converted the entirety of the office building into a generator, powered by all the employees running on treadmills in order to power the giant Grotsky & Firebrand sign which stretches across 18 blocks and bathes the city in a red glow nightly.

In Tuesday’s article, there was a reference made to Mike Pence coming out to the world “as the man he was born to be.” This comment was made erroneously, neglecting the fact that not only was Mike Pence not born to be a particular sort of man, but that there is no record of Mike Pence being born or existing at all. Women meanwhile, to clarify, do exist.

Wednesday’s article which addressed the leaked Pepsi Easter ad contained many inaccuracies, not the least of which was the report that many churches were now listing Jesus as a staff member with the title “The King” on their websites. In fact, 90% of all US church websites now only redirect to a picture of Jesus, and the remaining 10% are dwindling fast.

Wednesday also brought a special report from our affiliate in the Helix Nebula. As with most interstellar reporting, the unreliability of space-time, as well as the creation of parallel pocket dimensions at the utterance of certain concepts into our own reality, every report made in that article is now false and has been sealed off as an ever-looping, self-contained universe in and of itself. The only remaining artifacts of that prior existence are the “Keep Everywhere Weird” stickers, some of which have spawned galaxies of their own, most of which are still available for purchase via @NPEllwood on Twitter.

There were no inaccuracies in the recall issued on Thursday for the IM-601 graphing calculators.

The Gumball district in which Jeremiah Jones of Friday’s expose on Uber drivers resides, has long been the scene for cultivating underground alternative theatre. Jones has a public performance coming up at the end of the month, and if you think you want to attend, you are wrong.

The reporter of this story is recovering quickly, with only 45 bones remaining in need of mending.

The authors regret so much. On that list, these simple errors are, like, halfway down. More on that to come, perhaps, but probably not.

This article was written by Kevin Harrington-Bain, who has better things to do than complete an entire Where’s Waldo? book. Or at least wishes he did. See what he’s doing instead @kkevinb on Twitter.

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