What up! Fellow people of this great Flat planet that we live on called Earth. You better believe that there is no such thing as a Round Earth, or else we no longer respect you. Clear, scientific evidence has shown us the way to a more enlightened life, a flatter life. B.O.B was one of our first converts and we won’t stop until REs (Round Earthers) are a thing of the past. We are and have forever been on a giant flat rock hurtling through space. That is just the way it is now.
This post is sponsored in part by: The Flat Earth Society.
Hi. if you have never met a Flat Earther before, you have now. My name is Lionel Fincher and I am the head of the Flat Earth Society. I have written this copy so that you might join us in the forums and soon, in the voting booths. We are now far along in our plot to convince Trump the Earth is flat that I feel sharing knowledge of it will do nothing but stir up fear, which is fine by me. You might all want to start throwing away your Globes, for the winds are changing.
We here at Eritas Daily have joined the ranks of the Flat Earthers and now exclusively will talk about the world the way it is supposed to be talked about, Flatly. Keeping with our journalistic integrity, I will now recuse some of our earlier statements and articles.
There was an article a few months ago about some new planets that had been discovered by NASA. It turns out that instead, all astronauts are liars and planets are nothing but a shared delusion held to only by those who have been truly wretched. We apologize for this and will take the appropriate action.
Another article that we posted claimed to be written from Void in the Helix Nebula. Obviously, this is indeed still a place in deep space. However, according to the Flat Earth bylines we do not recognize the idea of the Void, a Void, or Void Void. Again, it’s only about the Void that we are retracting statements, we still stay true to our original work in regards to the Abyss, Hades, Gehenna, and the Astral Plane. Sorry. We sure will miss the Void.
Now, back to the point, we no longer believe in this so-called Round Earth. Man, can you remember when we were all REs? What a bunch of dumbos we were. I can’t believe we ever thought such a ludicrous thing was true. Whew. Anyway, we have a margarita machine so join the FES and get some salt on your rim.
This post is sponsored in part by: NASA
Hey guys, it’s NASA. We just wanted to clear up a few things. As one of the few organizations that has actually been to outer space, believe us when we say that the Earth is indeed Round. Not only that, but it is in desperate need of saving. If the human race has any chance of continuing on, we must acknowledge not only that our Earth is round, but that climate change is real and we need to take top-down legislative measures in order to leave a livable world for our grandchildren. Either that or figure out how to go to space, which you know, we could do if we gave NASA any funding! Sorry, got a little hot. Please, don’t destroy the world.
Sorry about that last sponsorship, we need all the money we can get but I mean cut it out with liberal fake news agenda. That’s not a good look on anybody.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who has spent way too many hours on the forums of theFlatEarthSociety.org. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.