We Found Sean Spicer’s High School Mixtape and It Is Dreadful

SpiceyWhile Spicer isn’t that kid from your hometown who never moved away and tried to make it as a rapper, a recent source shows us that he sure tried to be.

An old cassette tape and accompanying composition book titled “Spicer Tha Slicer” was found under his childhood mattress by his mother just last week, and she thought it best if Eritas hold onto it. Both the tape and journal were dated for 1987.

The composition book is a confounding work, only 1/3 full, like every composition book ever, and consisting of blocks of text which could either be attempts at lyrics, or experimental recipes (since, as we all know, this was around the time that Sean was flirting with the idea of culinary school). There were also doodles which appeared to be anthropomorphized dishes, adding to the ambiguity of the textual contents – were these sketches of the finished recipes, or mascots for the Spicer Tha Slicer brand? One sample of such ambiguous lyrics is:

“A quarter cup shallots/ I chop up the ballots/ preheat the books/ before I cook ‘em up to make that salad”

What is happening here? Whatever it is, we want it gone.

Worse yet are his attempts at recording. It was clearly important to Tha Slicer to produce his own music, but it is equally clear that he had no inkling of how to go about such a task. His percussion is inconsistent as the snares sound like a wet fish being slapped upon his likely-already-receding hairline, and you can hear him quietly curse to himself after kicking his bare toe against his bedframe to provide the kick drum. Every time. Equally confounding are the three tracks in a row in which he attempts to sample Cher’s “We All Sleep Alone,” but just keeps rewinding the first 16 seconds.

For more updates on Spicer’s constant disrespect of American Treasure, Cher, stay plugged in with Eritas.

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