Well, we sure have had a ball during today’s Annual Roast Sean Spicer Day, haven’t we, folks? We’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we’ve looked into the anxious maw of an unraveling capitalist utopia. But while we know we’ve been in top reporting form today, not everyone is so convinced, namely White House Public Liar, himself, Sean Spicer. Spicer released a statement just minutes ago which outlines his opinions and hypertension-fueled feedback on the contents of today’s roast.
(Alternative facts and inaccuracies have been bolded to aid readers in subsequent fact-checking.)
“While I was advised not to acknowledge this buffoonery and continue on in my evening of scraping the very last bit of peanut butter out of today’s jar, I just couldn’t let these comments go unchecked, nor could I allow myself to act upon good advice.
“First of all, today is April 12th, NOT ‘Roast Sean Spicer Day.‘ How dare you direct attention toward me on a day when I didn’t ask for it. Why not use those efforts to pay attention to it being International Day for Street Children, and respect those kids who I work so hard to keep on the streets?
“Speaking of kids (or, as I call them, alternative taxpayers), I cannot believe the accusations that my parents paid off my schools growing up so that I could get my diploma. I took and aced many upper level classes throughout school, including Monochromatic History I & II, Speech For Filling Time, Advanced Combing, and Let’s Make Puppets That Ooze. Nothing was ever handed to me except some ooze, and it was left to me to make something of it. And I chose not only to make puppets, but to be one, too! And for the last time, Mike isn’t scared of gay people, God is, and Mike is just trying to look out for him!
“I won’t even get into the Hitler debacle, and you’re basically as bad as Hitler for bringing it up.
“Putting aside the terrible act of my former teacher, Nelly Ruiz, of releasing classified information in the form of my childhood book report on Annie, the insinuation that diaries are not solely for them to record their crushes is ridiculous. I know. I asked a little girl just hours ago if she had a diary, and she instantly burst into tears at the sound of my voice, obviously because she knew she had been found out! I stand by my word: SNOOZEFEST.
“Jesse McCartney has done a terrible job portraying me, and I am having my Secret Hawk Squad investigate ways to carry her off into the night while I polish my list of notes for her performance, as well as many unsolicited comments on her appearance and subsequent worth in my eyes as a person.
“Finally, my time as Spicer Tha Slicer is not only past, but was far more successful than the reporters suggested in their account. My Cher samples would have been much smoother if she were a decent artist in any sense of the word. Likewise, the recipes which I hid in each song were all delicious, and are still served annually at my family’s Very Spicey Thanksgiving Feast. That composition book is private property and will be mine again soon enough. The world doesn’t deserve Spicer Tha Slicer.
“I am alarmed daily at the lack of journalistic integrity practiced by all outlets that aren’t Breitbart and my own mouth, and the foolishness of this FAKE holiday is just another example of what is in need of purging if America is going to be great again.
“Signed by the 6th Spider-Arm of Sean Spicer, White House Press Secretary”
The courier who delivered this message to Eritas also added that upon its completion, Spicer cleared his throat 8 times in a row, screwed the lid onto the now full 32 oz. mason jar which collected his sweat while he wrote, and skittered out of the room, carried by the 8 spider arms which sprout from the back of his neck.
With that sort of display, we at Eritas don’t expect to hear anything further from Spicer until April 12, 2018, or at least tomorrow.