As always, it’s been a long week of slightly false reporting from the very humble and the very regretful writers here at Eritas. That being said, White House Press Secretary as of this writing Sean Spicer, had a far worse week. We’d like to draw your attention to some of the investigate reporting we did this week, which has been described to us by random strangers at crosswalks as “Watergate-level.”
After we declared Wednesday #RoastSeanSpicerDay, Sean Spicer’s wife called to say that this holiday is actually celebrated daily in their household. We regret not being ahead of this trend. Imagine all of the days we spent not roasting Sean Spicer.
We attempted to expose affirmative action for rich white men, a Nixon-era program that gives top level government jobs to rich white men with no experience in politics and no right to speak in public. It turns out, all white men are beneficiaries of this affirmative action program, and the three white male writers of this blog are grateful–if a little embarrassed–for such undeserved attention.
We then reported that Hitler comparisons are always a good idea. Although we were joking, Sean Spicer is still employed as of this writing. You do the math.
We recovered a book report from Sean Spicer’s middle school years, in which he confused Anne Frank with orphan Annie (from the musical), and called The Diary of Anne Frank a “SNOOZEFEST.” Though we made this up, nothing suggests it didn’t actually happen in some form or another in Sean’s younger years.
We would still like the Emmys to review our paid For Your Consideration ad from Sean Spicer.
We have been ordered to not comment on Sean Spicer’s official response to our daylong roasting.
Although our new and far more talented writer Lauren wrote a hard-hitting piece on the idea of a corgi named Pepper taking Sean Spicer’s place, it appears this report was false. Pepper has since denied this report, asking we not blot her reputation with any affiliation to the “cat-show” going on in D.C. We apologize to the corgi community, and the larger corgi-loving community.
This week’s OOPSIES has been brought to you by Sean Spicer’s mouth, which writes a week’s worth of material every time words spill out of it.
This post was written by Ben Taylor, who would have offered a more organized and successful roast of Sean Spicer if he saw him in an Apple Store. You can follow him for more @therealbenshady