(Detroit, MI) Well, you are not going to believe this. I really messed up this time. I hate to sound like Britney here, but oops, I did it again. Just when I thought things were looking up, just as I was about to seize my destiny, I step in the mud and end up losing everything. I can’t believe this happened. Wow.
The way it all started, as it always does, was while I was taking my first bathroom break of the day. It’s not what you are thinking, I was just pooping a lot. Once I got done with that, I put on my suit and got ready to head down and out the door to my job at Work Inc. where I had recently been promoted to senior vice president. I loved to work at Work Inc. and Work Inc. loved my work too. Just like my dad always said, “Work is what we do and Adidas is what we buy.”
As I said, I was walking down my stairs and I tripped over my yoga mat, falling head over heals down the stairs and cracking my skull on the bannister. I didn’t want to disappoint my boss, since I had recently been promoted, by showing up to an important meeting with blood on my shirt, so I went to the kitchen to find a dish rag. As I walked into the kitchen, I was happy to notice my beautiful wife – I mean Roomba – had done a wonderful job of cleaning up that morning, since my husband Larry was sick in bed.
I grabbed some paper towels and wadded them up, making a perfect bandage, and placed them on my open flesh wound. Once I felt like the blood had reached a suitably professional flow, I walked to the garage and got into my new Tesla Model S vehicle. I sure do love my Tesla and I’ve always had a crush on Elon Musk. We even used to exchange emails, but things fell through after he couldn’t stop talking about someone named Amber. It seemed only appropriate to indulge him when he asked my company for money, and now everyone drives his cars including me. So, that went well.
More to the point, as I was pushing the button to start my vehicle, I must have accidentally hit the button unleashing the “Tesla Full Experience.” I had never hit this button before and had been told by my dealer to only do so in very dire situations. Just as I thought I heard my car turning on, a giant forcefield formed around my Model S vehicle and the car began to lurch forward straight into my house. I tried to press on the brake, but it only made the car drive faster.
Instead of trying to pull the emergency brake or turn the car off, I pulled a sick “U-y” and hit the complimentary nitrous installed in every Tesla. As I hit the NOS, I blew out the front windows of our house and set our delightfully festive drapes on fire. It took the fire department almost 3 minutes to get to our house in the White Prim Ledge neighborhood, but thankfully by the time they finally got there, we had all made it out of the house, Roomba included. Unfortunately, I knew I was going to be late for work.
I rushed as fast as I could to get to the offices of Work Inc., but I was still 13 minutes late to our big meeting. I knew my boss was going to be angry, so I had kolaches ordered for the entire office, hoping to make up for it. Instead of making up for it, the guy who was delivering kolaches turned out to be my former boss who I had replaced. I may have also been the reason he was fired, hoping to cover up my own nefarious activities involving fraudulent documents, corporate espionage, and buying too many pocket squares.
I thought he was going to use this opportunity to try and get revenge on me, but instead he just told everyone about my previously mentioned activities. I guess he thought that this would turn my colleagues against me, but instead I was immediately elected unanimously through secret ballot to become CEO of the company. What a fool. He would never have survived for long anyway, it was a mercy me ruining his life. A mercy.
Now that I am CEO, Larry and I visit the Cayman Islands almost every weekend to enjoy golfing, the beach, underground bare-knuckle boxing tournaments, and the incredible seafood restaurants where the mist of the waves cools you down. I can’t believe how great my life is ever since I become a Capitalist. I highly recommend it.
This article was sponsored by capitalism. Capitalism: the only option.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who believes that the basic tenants of democracy and capitalism contradict each other. Follow for more on Twitter @NPEllwood