With the summer just around the corner, we decided to compile our top ten list of the best swamps, marshes, and ghoul dens that you can visit to avoid the summer heat and stay one step ahead of your adversaries. This list was put together by our expert team, who have all spent plenty of time in their fair share of bogs. We do not take this lightly and we are very serious about our recommendations. This is not a “puff piece.” For some, this is a matter of life and death.
(10) The Widow’s Wood
The Widow’s Wood is a great little marsh located 35 miles outside of Jackson, MI. Not only are there plenty of places to have a good Mud Soak, but the consistent look you find across all 25 acres of the forest allows for plenty of places to hide. Your adversaries will hopefully find themselves lost in a funhouse-esc wood long enough for you to sneak away to a more appropriate quagmire.
(9) The Nightmare Mire
Coming in at number 9 on our list is the Nightmare Mire, located in Karachi, Pakistan. World renowned for it’s dense foliage and all-consuming canopy, this has always been a fan-favorite across the blogosphere. Or should I say, the bogosphere. No, I shouldn’t. This a serious report and we pride ourselves on professionalism. I think the best selling point for this swamp comes straight from the informational brochure: “If you need a good spot to lose your scent, their’s no place better than the Nightmare Mire.” Wise words.
(8) The Den of the Carolina Ghast
With number eight on our list we have come to our first ghoul den, this one belonging to the Carolina Ghast, located 20 minutes away from Spartanburg, South Carolina. This ghast has been living here for the last 300 years, coming across with American settlers and setting up shop in the first suitable location they found. Not much else is known about our dear friend, but he exists as a sort of Grinch-like character that local villagers blame for all of their short-comings. While ghasts are not strictly speaking allowed to live in ghoul dens, the Council of Sludge passed a rule in 1863 allowing this practice. No one really cared to begin with, but it’s nice to have the courts in our favor.
(7) The Swamp at the Edge of the Estate
This swampland is located at the edge of every proper estate in Chile. You will find a cool hollow to lay your head in the giant graves of the legendary gugs who used to roam free in this timeless marsh. Grab a friend and head for the Swamp at the Edge of the Estate: You’ll Return, but Not as Yourself.
(6) Slough Town
Slough Town is a grimy moor on the shores of Caddo Lake, Louisiana. It is inhabited by a group of worm farmers who are all named Yehoshua. These men do not age and have never been observed without their regulation suspenders. Don’t be intimidated by them though, one taste of their cajun stir-fry and you will never want to leave. A former lover of mine once went on a vision quest to this bottoms and never returned. I did however receive a letter from one of the Yehoshua’s, claiming to be my former bed friend who had undergone a transformative ceremony and come out the other end a worm farmer. Either way, I hope Josh – I mean Yehoshua – is happy.
(5) Kill V. Maim
This morass gets it’s namesake from Grimes’ hit song, Kill V. Maim. However, there is more to this marsh than meets the eye, it is actually an unclassified ghoul den. Jimmy Chalmers, local ghoul and huge dream pop fan, has spent his entire existence puttering around these wetlands. We asked him why he hasn’t received official ghoul den recognition, and he told us that the process is a bureaucratic nightmare that he didn’t have time for. Instead, he declared the 100 acres that he lives in Kill V. Maim and spends most of his days cooling down on an algae deposit and listening to Art Angels on repeat. He is very friendly and open to visitors, so next time you are in Florida, God forbid, swing by and give him a ring.
(4) The Rotten Swale
Found deep in the swamps of Spain is this hidden gem, the Rotten Swale. The vegetation here is thick and the only living creatures keep to the deep waters, giving off the impression that the swale is deserted. Be careful not to get too comfortable in the muds of this 5 acre cove, legend tells that the only way to avoid becoming one of the water dwellers is to keep a consistent pace at all times, lest you be caught. There is a lot of mystery surrounding what would happen to you if you are ever found by those who live in the mire, best not to find out. Great for family vacations and honeymooners alike.
(3) The Fog Spider Bog
The Fog Spider Bog is a tepid wetland on the southern coast of New Guinea, consisting mainly of the tangled trees you see pictured above and thousands of nests made by Fog Spiders, giving the bog it’s name. The coinhabitants with the spiders is a group of people know as the Asmats, who have mostly remained isolated from human contact. We have no idea what their lives are like, but we assume they are highly advanced and may not even exist in the 3rd dimension as we do. If you are looking for a trip, check out this humble bog.
(2) The Den of Silteater
Our penultimate swamp, marsh, or ghoul den on our list is located in Sudd, Sudan, known across the universe as the Den of Silteater. This ghoul has made a name for himself as a champion of the cosmos. He has reportedly installed laser eyes in his head and has the ability to float or hover up to eight feet off the ground. He moves incredibly fast and can sink into the mud like it’s water in order to hide himself, even when there is not much mud around. However, lack of mud is definitely not a problem in the larger swamp surrounding the Den known as the Sudd. Come to the Sudd, you’ll meet a bud*
*in this instance, your “bud” is a legendary ghoul known for his perpetual slaughter of numerous beings across the universe. You will die if you come here.
(1) Vladamir’s Boloto
Our number one bog is a part of the Siberian Ice Marsh, known by locals as Vladimir’s Boloto. Temperatures in this area are known to most closely resemble the vacuum of space, but instead of imploding your tender flesh prison, you simply shrink into oblivion from the cold. The only person to have ever visited this place was actually Vladimir Putin’s Dad, Vladimir Putin. He apparently walked straight into that frozen hell, pulled a potato out of the ground by it’s stem, but instead of producing a hearty tato, a baby was all that he found. No one officially knows what happened to that baby, but I think we all kind of do. The cold temperatures obliterate all semblance of life, so if you are looking for a getaway from everything, try this wintry marsh.
That is all for this week’s list. If you have other opinions about your favorite marsh, swamp, or ghoul den, keep them to yourselves.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who is laying in the mud right now. Follow him for more fun facts about bogs and ghouls on Twitter @NPEllwood.