(Neptune Township, New Jersey) In the early morning hours of that pristine Tuesday morning, we found Mr. Devito sitting on his porch, taking a picture of his foot for his infamous #trollfoot online visual art series. He seemed surprised when we knocked on the door as a polite gesture that we were approaching and quickly drew his pistol, before recognizing us and gently laughing while saying, “Christ, you nearly scared the shit out of me.”
“Mr. Devito, or should I call you Danny?”
“Mr. Devito is fine.”
“Mr. Devito, we have an interview scheduled for 6 AM this morning if you’ll remember.”
“Oh right,” replied Devito, motioning for us to follow him into his sprawling abode. “I must have had my Google calendar still in California time or something. Find yourself a seat, I’m gonna grab an egg to munch on while we do this.”
We found ourselves a seat at the dinner table and started to pull out our laptop in order to take notes. However, when Mr. Devito returned he walked right past us and into his living room where he sat down in a recliner and popped out the footrest. “The table is too formal, we can do this over here. Just sit on the couch.”
After settling in on the surprisingly comfy couch, we began the interview the same way we always do. “So, Mr. Devito, thank you for sitting down with us. First question: what is your greatest fear?”
“There has been talks lately by both sides of the aisle on Capitol Hill about selecting a new Supreme Court judge,” we started. “That’s actually why we came out here this morning.”
“Yeah, what of it? I did my part for Bernie and I’m active on Twitter, what more do you want me to talk about?”
“Well, it seems as though a few people in the administration have been throwing around your name as a bipartisan option.”
“Me?” Danny asked, seeming surprised.
“Yes, in fact, Paul Ryan has been quoted as saying ‘Devito would be a wise pick by our president. He has both the resume and work experience we are looking for in someone who will lead this country’s judiciary.’”
“What the hell is he talking about?”
“It has also been reported that Cory Booker was quoted as saying, ‘Danny is an old friend of mine and I think Trump might make his first good decision in office by placing him on the bench.’”
“Well that makes a little more sense,” Devito thought out loud. “But why would a guy like Ryan want me up there? I haven’t exactly been bipartisan in my Twitter feuds.”
“True, but it seems that Republicans are looking for a way to placate the Democrats and buy their time as they figure out what to do about 45.”
“I don’t know. I mean, what kind of experience do I have with the law?”
“It seems as though Sean Spicer brought that up just yesterday, saying ‘We have been reviewing Devito’s work as a negotiator and a businessman, and we believe he has what it takes. Now please leave me to my Bay Laurels.’”
“I guess they are right,” said Devito, seeming to mull this over. “Well, I will do what my country asks of me if it comes to that, but I don’t have anything else to say on the matter. Also, you have been completely distracting me from my egg, so I am gonna have to cut this interview short.”
With that, he retired to one of his several rooms and (we guess) ate his egg in peace. We packed up our things and went back to Washington, hoping we would be back again soon once the word had come down from the mountain top on 45’s pick.
***update to our previous story***
It appears that our previous story on Danny Devito being the perfect, nonbipartisan pick for the Supreme Court seat was premature in its reporting. Apparently, the Republicans on the Hill had not been reviewing the work of real-life person Danny Devito, but his character from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Frank Reynolds.
“It was simply an honest mistake,” read the press release that came out this morning from Ted Cruz’s office. “When I thought Danny Devito was pro-guns and pro-capitalism, I was all for him. Now I realize that he was simply playing a character. If only we could put Frank on the bench.”
Reports also indicate that this news has come as a relief to Devito himself. “I never wanted to be a judge anyway, I just got caught up in the fantasy.”
Please update your consciousness with this NEW TRUTH and return to your regularly scheduled day.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who would like to take this moment to plug Wolf Cola™ – Wolf Cola: the Right Cola for Closure. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.