As many of you know, the fearless staff at Eritas Daily has covered the grittiest truths beneath Ted Cruz’s skin suit for years now. We talked about his surprising support for potential Supreme Court judge Danny Devito, whose famous portrait of degenerate Frank Reynolds inspired Justice Brett Kavanaugh to “just be himself.” We also bravely exposed Cruz’s bunker of beans so our readers could take advantage the next time he’s mid-flight in a State-wide energy crisis. And, we got exclusive access to Cruz and his beloved spiders in a private celebration of his win over Texas pro-skateboarder with favorite uncle energy, Beto O’Rourke.
Nevertheless, it’s been quiet on the Cruz front lately. It seems the exhaustion of thinking up witty tweets like, “As extreme as Obama was, Joe Biden said hold my beer” has finally caught up with him. Fortunately, Eritas is not dependent on Cruz’s gelatinous torso for updates on the pressing matters facing Texas’s most disappointing Senator. Our immortal contributor, Irma Vep, received the following inside scoop from none other than Cruz’s own spider. What follows has been painstakingly transcribed using a Webster’s English Dictionary:
Irma Vep: So your name is Jeb, is that correct?
Jeb: Yes that’s correct. I’m named after the man with the greatest pair of boots on earth.
Irma: Ok, Jeb. And what prompted you to reach out today?
Jeb: Ted accidentally zipped his balls into his flesh suit the other day so I got stuck looking at myself while he screamed in agony in front of the mirror… And it really got me thinking.
Irma: Thinking about what?
Jeb: I like laughing at Ted Cruz covered in spiders as much as the next progressive eight-legged freak, you know? But as I really looked at myself, it hit me. Maybe… maybe I’m one of those spiders.
Irma: Yes, it would appear so.
Jeb: Right. But you never think you’re the spider on Ted Cruz. Maybe you’re a spider, but you’re not THAT spider. So I started bringing it up to my friends to see what they thought.
Irma: And how’d they take it?
Jeb: Not great. It turns out the mere suggestion that you’re the spider on Ted breeds serious blowback. Suddenly it’s, “Shut up Jeb, that’s propaganda” and “Wow Jeb, you’re Not Funny anymore.”
Irma: It sounds like you’re dealing with a tough identity crisis right now. So what’s next for you?
Jeb: Well, for one I have to get the hell away from these neo-liberal hypocrites. That’s why I called you! Any chance you’re in need of a familiar? Stealing and feasting on the souls of mortals sounds pretty good. Plus, after years of shadowing Ted I’m pretty well suited for the job.
Irma: Absolutely. Just know, your first mission will be to crawl out of the real Jeb’s boots, forcing him to abandon them out of fear for all eternity.
Jeb: I’ve been waiting to see those boots all my life.
Well, there you have it folks. It turns out it’s easy to laugh at Ted Cruz covered in spiders, but harder to laugh when you’re called out for being the spider on Ted Cruz.
This propaganda was written by Irma Vep, shadow queen of all realms, brief owner of the Hope diamond and avid fan of the end of the world and return to the void. Peace, love, souls bitches.