This is an Eritas Daily Exclusive. We have discovered never before heard recordings from the Moon Landing of a conversation between Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin. What follows next is a transcript of this recording.

 

*static that slowly fades into silence*

 

Neil: “Wow. We are on the Moon. Can you believe it, Buzz?”

 

Buzz: “I can’t–especially considering your mother’s final words to us on her porch.”

 

Neil: “Well, she always did have a way with words, Ol’ Viola. That thing she said about shrimp was what really made me weep. What was it she said again?”

 

Buzz: “Make yourself like shrimp. Carry the abysmal waters of life graciously on your back, and eventually you will find gratitude.” 

 

Neil: “Those were my father’s last words. He was a dick, to be honest. So. The Moon. What should we do?”

 

Buzz: “We should give this moon a better time than JFK gave Marilyn.” 

 

Neil: “I see something over that next horizon, let’s take a look at what it is. Maybe it’s water or an alien life force.” 

 

*both astronauts approach horizon*

 

Buzz: “Is that… oh my God, Neil, is that…”

 

Neil: “It’s him. It’s… Slime Man. I always thought he was a myth, a fiction, a trick of the eye. He’s more beautiful than I ever imagined.”

 

Buzz: “Neil, shh! NASA has all audio on tape. Slime Man may as well be Slime Dead if you don’t hush your trap.”

 

Neil: “Oh boy, you’re right. We need to hide him so that no one knows about his existence, but where would we put him? This place is as barren as my ex-wife.”

 

Buzz: “There was research that suggested this moon may have yeast deposits deep below its surface. If we skip collecting samples from its surface as required by NASA, we may have just enough time to find out if that theory is true, and we can hide the Slime Man in the yeast mines until we can return.”

 

Neil: “Buzz my boy, I think you just might have a solution. Oh, now wait a minute. Do you see that just there beyond the Slime Man?”

 

Buzz: “Yeast Man.” 

 

Neil: “The Slime Man’s only predator. Quick, we must get to the yeast mines, and quick!”

 

*Neil and Buzz guide Slime Man into a dug out trench and bend behind a wheelbarrow parked there by Michael Collins earlier in the day*

 

Neil: “Yo, Slime, got any ideas on how to get out of this?”

 

Slime Man: “Slime Man fears no gods or men. Slime Man fight.”

 

Neil: “Do what you think is right, Slime. We will offer emotional support from here, behind this wheelbarrow, for Yeast Man is evil incarnate. Godspeed.” 

 

*Slime Man picks himself up and slowly walks toward the Yeast Man*

 

Buzz: “Yeast Man reportedly colludes with the Sentient. The moon isn’t safe, Neil.”

 

Neil: “The Moon will always be safe with America™ here. Quick, get the Moon Blaster.”

 

*Buzz retrieves the giant hand cannon from behind the Lunar Rover*

 

Buzz: “Let’s not get out of hand here, Neil. We were given orders. We can’t disgrace our country.”

 

Neil: “I am your superior officer and I got here first, so I call the shots. Kill that hellspawn, now!” 

 

*Buzz launches a giant rocket straight into Yeast Man’s chest, killing him instantly. However, Slime Man is caught in the explosion and suffers a fatal wound to his Gel Center*

 

Neil: “Buzz! What have you done?”

 

Buzz: “You wanted a disgrace, damnit, you got one.”

 

Neil: “Look, if we destroy the recording, say that the Moon scrambled our radios or something like that, no one will ever know.” 

 

Buzz: “I don’t know, that seems awfully conve-“

 

*static returns and grows to a deafening decibel before cutting completely*

 

And no ever did know, until now. Neil has passed away, but Buzz lives on with the guilt of knowing what he did to the Slime Man, cutting him down in his prime. A true disgrace, but Moon law is still being expanded and apparently savage murder hasn’t made the list yet.

 

Also, fun fact, one of the few laws of the Moon was created by Neil Armstrong when he said “I got here first so I call the shots.” That’s Moon law number 2, right after “No Double Dipping.”

 

This article was cowritten by Nathan Ellwood, who played the role of Neil and Kelsey Hatfield who played the role of Slime Man and Buzz. Follow Nathan for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.