(Austin, TX) Researchers are claiming that we have reached an unsustainable number of Sad Boys here in Austin. This will come as a shock to many of Austin’s residents, since even though record stores and vintage denim outfitters have seen increased profits, the boys over at SBI (Sad Boy Institute) think we may be reaching unprecedented levels. In fact, we may need to talk about practical, actionable steps that may need to be taken if the time comes.
For those of you who don’t know, Sad Boys started to show up across the Texas capital’s landscape in the late 90s. Boasting their all black outfits and Misfits tattoos, they were unfortunately categorized by many as “emo,” which is another thing completely. When the emo gang packed their bags and headed east, the Sad Boys remained and their population continued to grow as tech startups and concert venues multiplied. Austin slowly started to be regarded as the Sad Boy capital of the South and now it seems we may all be in trouble because of it.
For those of you who are not familiar with what Sad Boys look like, here is an official description from SBI:
Known by the Incas as the “Trudging Giants,” Sad Boys are nine feet tall hunched over (no one has ever seen them fully erect) and have arms the length of oars. They are often only seen at night and can often be seen standing under highway intersections, feeding on refuse piles. Sad Boys get their name from the low pitch, deafening moans they give off while searching for food. If you encounter a Sad Boy, do not make eye contact, and if they try to tell you why Joy Division changed rock forever, start running.
Since all of us Austin residents have learned to ignore these menacing monsters, none of us noticed their growing population and now we are nearing critical mass. However, SBI researchers have been monitoring their behavior and have some solutions in mind. Sad Boys are notorious for their love of vinyl records and live alt rock shows, but Austin’s musicians and DJs can only produce so many records and new age shows. Production levels have been at an all-time high for months and yet the demand keeps growing.
In their report, the SBI claim that when Sad Boys run out of their favorite foods they will resort to less favorable Sad Boy actions, such as flesh sculpting and driving for Uber, which might disrupt Austin’s fragile ecosystem. With more Sad Boys migrating from nearby Texas cities every day, we might soon be lost to this influx and come January have an unrecognizable place to call home.
Fortunately for us, SBI has put together some ideas and we are here to relay them to you. In order to do your part for your community, please try as many of these Sad Boy appeasement techniques as you can:
- Start that Dream Pop project you’ve been thinking about.
- Put on a Peter, Paul, and Mary record in a dark forest under the light of a Harvest Moon.
- Get a tattoo of the word “Nothing” in German on your arm: Nichts.
- Text your ex at 2am.
- Make leather jewelry in your childhood home. Don’t forget to get your website up so you can sell them. We recommend something like LeatherLoversNotBDSM.com or DemonNecklace.net for your url.
- Watch the Sunset at Hancock Golf Course. Extra vibes will be harnessed if you watch the Sunrise.
- Eat alone at the Russian House.
- Play Wonderwall at Zilker Park on a ukulele with at a minimum of at least seven other friends accompanying you on differently tuned ukes.
- Speak French to a mannequin at Vintage Forever.
- Livetweet the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show.
- Eat at Tacodeli.
The energy given off by these actions should be enough to appease the Sad Boys for now while the Institute finds ways to safely transport Sad Boys to new homes in live music cities across the country. Remember to avoid Sad Boys at all costs or you might find yourself sitting down for a hardcore metal show because that’s the only way to “appreciate the art.”
We will keep you updated as this situation develops.