Topo Chico Unveils New “Double Water” Flavor to Nation’s Delight

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(Austin, TX) From your favorite corporate overlords Interex Corp and Arca Contol comes the newest Topo Chico Flavor “Double Water: Double the Water, Double the Life” and early polling is telling us that the Nation is in love. Topo Chico is expecting record sales and has been producing enough of the new formula to quench our aching thirst. We advise that if you are planning to cop the latest Chico flavor that you camp out at your local Whole Foods starting right now in order to not miss out.

 

This is not a sponsored post, by the way. We are just big fans.

 

Topo Chico began underneath the shade of Cerro del Topo Chico, the mountain from which the brand get its name, in 1895 and for the last 122 years they have been bringing us water from the spring beneath the mammoth. Now, we have heard from sources within the company that a new underground spring has been discovered and Double Water will soon be in every CVS in America.

 

Hoping to take advantage of the hype surrounding this news, Miami singer and performer Pitbull released a new track entitled Topo my Bopo and it has debuted at Billboard’s number 1 spot. Due to the popularity of the song, Topo Chico is planning to double their production by the time the product is released on June 20th.

 

In order to hear what the every-day man on the street is thinking, we conducted a few interviews with residents of Austin (Topo Chico’s biggest market) to hear what they had to say.

 

“I’m happy to hear it. I have always wanted double the life and now I have that opportunity,” said local college student, Julie.

 

“I’m sorry, I can’t even answer that right now. My thoughts are occupied with nothing but The Cloud. The Cloud. Oh my god. The Cluuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhh,” said Jim. Not the most helpful answer.

 

“Topo Chico is the reason why there are so many condos now. All of these kids working at startups drink nothing but Topo Chico all day and now millennials only want to work somewhere if you have Topo Chico. It wasn’t like that back in the day, man. I used to smoke weed with Willie Nelson on Lady Bird Lake, man. Those were the days! You couldn’t walk down 6th without getting shot. It was so rad. Now, all we have is ACL and South By Yuppie Scum. I once saw Joan Jett in a bar downtown, man. We were living in the Wild West, now all we have is Silicon Valley 2.0.  I hate Austin now,” said my Lyft driver, unprompted.

 

“Maybe Topo Chico will be the Cedric Digory who finally gets Voldemort before he can kill Snape, which by that I mean Trump,” said Larry. Don’t say shit like that Larry. Let it go already.

 

“The DOOM is coming, so what does it matter?” said my editor, but that might have been unrelated.

 

So, definitely not the best interviews we have ever done, but I think it gives you a taste of Austin culture to see how different everyone is. We love being different. Different and weird. “Keep Austin Weird,” you know. But by weird I mean intentionally experts on random subjects to appear more cultured than others. I mean, how is it elitist if you just know you are better than other people?

 

Look for Topo Chico’s new flavor “Double Water” at your local H20 vendor come June 20th and enjoy the Double Life!

 

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who would just like to say #TOPOLIFE. Follow him on Twitter for more @NPEllwood

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