(La Crosse, WI) Straight from the Sundance Brewing Company we have received news that La Croix intends to match Topo Chico by unveiling their own new flavor “GLUTTONOUS VOID” this Friday. We have been told that this new flavor “manages to capture the true terror of a gluttonous void without losing any of La Croix’s bold flavor.” We are excited to try it for ourselves when it is launched and are interested to see what a flavor like GLUTTONOUS VOID will taste like, considering La Croix has always been known for their bashful flavors. Who will be the victor, La Croix, Topo Chico, or will some new competitor mount an offensive? We’ll know soon enough.

 

For those of you who are unfamiliar with this all-occasion beverage, La Croix was created in the 80s by one Earnest Johnson who sold it to the Heileman corporation for a cool stack. Little did Johnson know that his concoction would turn into a multimillion dollar brand. Earnest did leave his mark on the now infamous brand with the name La Croix. “I just thought it sounded like a drink white people would buy,” explained Johnson. “I guess I was right.”

 

Flash forward to today, where La Croix now boasts over 20 delicious flavors and has found itself to be the number one sparkling water in the nation. It is for this reason that we find the fact that they named their new flavor GLUTTONOUS VOID a bit odd and out of character. La Croix has always been known as an all occasion and innocent beverage, so this aggressive rebranding has caught many off guard. Earlier this week we caught up with some local La Crosse residents and La Croix enthusiasts to hear their opinions.

 

“I have been drinking La Croix (but he pronounced it ‘La Crucky’) since I was 5 years old and I always loved it for its neutral flavors and eccentric packaging. Now I’m worried they are taking the brand in a more goth direction. My husband and I have already gone through the goth phase with our daughter and we do not want a repeat of that again,” said Glen Stevens, an apprehensive parent and architect. “Let me just say, we haven’t had a Sharpie in the house since ’07 and we are not going back.”

 

“It’s too bad. I used to love giving La Croix to my brother in exchange for a walnut, but I guess we’ll both just have salty mouths now. Oh well,” said Jane Glorowitz.

 

i really think that it’s cool that they are like trying to appeal to my demographic, said ninth grader and emo teen jenni. i think it’s about time we emos and goths got the recognition for all of the good we have done in the world. ben franklin was scene. look it up.

 

“It’s obvious that they are trying to appeal to the Midwest market that they have always seen good profits in, but now, instead of farmers hoping for a nice, relaxing drink while they watch the pigs come in, the Midwest is overrun by emo teens and goth dads. La Croix is simply appealing to their target market by rebranding for all those Nebraskan punks who don’t like soda. It’s simple marketing,” said Bryce Corntree into his wireless headset while standing ahead of me in line for coffee. I just happened to be standing there, but I still thought it was an interesting take.

 

“I just hope that the new flavor is good. I have been drinking the Cucumber Blackberry flavor for a couple of months now and I just can’t get into it. Wish I had known that before I bought a pallet of them,” said Hashad Travid. “If you know anyone who wants to take some Cucumber Blackberry off my hands, let them know to come by with a hand truck.”

 

The reactions to the news so far seem mixed to say the least. I guess we will just have to wait and see what the market decides when the drink is released. I don’t know why but I get the feeling that this is the final showdown of soft water drinks. I feel like something is building and there’s nothing that can stop it. Maybe it’s just the name GLUTTONOUS VOID that has me spooked, but-

 

And it should. The GLUTTONOUS VOID will come for you. The GLUTTONOUS VOID does not sleep. The GLUTTONOUS VOID sees all, and is indifferent. La Croix is only the beginning, the GLUTTONOUS VOID will never be sated. The GLUTTONOUS VOID has hunger eternal. The GLUTTONOUS VOID will not accept defeat and will have it’s day in the dark hole where the Sun the used to be. The GLUTTONOUS VOID is coming. 

 

Again, check out La Croix’s new flavor coming out this Friday.

 

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood. For more on his work and the GLUTTONOUS VOID, follow him on Twitter @NPEllwood.