(Barton in the Beans, England) It was in this small hamlet in the Hinckley and Bosworth district of Leicestershire, England, on the edge of the Shackerstone civil parish in 1987 when a star was born. 29 years later, Jade Herod surpassed all expectations and became Britain’s Next Top Lizard Queen. Sadly, her reign is coming to an end with a new season coming to BBC 18, but all that means is that soon we will have a new Top Lizard Queen to praise and worship. Will it be you? Do you have what it takes to be Britain’s Next Top Lizard Queen?
I know this might have you tilting your head up in the air and asking, “Wot?” but believe us when we say that You, reading this right now, might be Britain’s Next Top Lizard Queen. First, we need to decide if you have the ability to make it through this competition. Forget everything you thought you were going to do over the next few months and get ready to train your ass off in order to win this prestigious honor and be Lizard Queen until another one is crowned.
If you truly have what it takes to be a Lizard Queen, maybe there won’t ever be another one.
Your training will need to begin by soaking in a bathtub for at least 6 hours, long enough to get real soft and prune-y. Then, put on a skintight wetsuit and then your other clothes over that, so that you appear to be dry, but are really perpetually damp. Get used to this because this will now be the way you start every single day. Well, if you want to win, that is.
The next part of your training involves flies. Lots of flies. Think of an apocalyptic level of flies. Egypt during the Plague type of thing. Cool. That is your new diet.
Along with your daily intake of flies and 6-hour prune bath, make sure that you are working on your stature and etiquette for the Queen portion of the show. You can’t slurp of the flies out of the bowl like you would at home. You are going to be a Queen and you need to start acting like one. Use the little fork for bite-sized flies and the larger fork with a knife for flies that need to be cut into smaller portions. Never use a spoon.
We have also received word that this year the talent section of the show is going to mainly be focused on your ability to use your tongue for a variety of tasks and functions. Get ready to climb using your tongue, decipher hidden clues in the dirt with your tongue, and maybe even create a home with your tongue. Some former contestants will tell you to do some tongue stretching exercises in order to be ready, but if you want it enough, your tongue will be plenty long enough to complete the tasks.
Now, I know this seems like a lot and you may not be convinced yet, but I think that is because you haven’t heard the perks of being Britain’s Next Top Lizard Queen. This season, hoping to compete with other hit British shows like Mango Susan and Tea with Crumpers, along with always edging to out-do America’s Next Top Lizard Queen, the stakes have been raised. This year’s winner will have the following powers and capabilities.
- Complete control of the British government.
- 24/7 access to Leonardo DiCaprio’s lakehouse (he’s there sometimes, but only to go skinny dipping and giggle behind bushes with Toby Maguire).
- One all-access pass to the Big Ben clock tower.
- A lifetime supply of flies and vinegar.
- The Secrets of the Lizards.
- The knowledge of what was in the briefcase in Pulp Fiction.
- A tiger that’s also your new best friend.
- The last remaining polio vaccine.
Now do you think it’s worth it? That’s what I thought. You better get in that bathtub or there is no way in Lizard Hell for you to win. It will be up to you to put on a performance worthy of Paula Hamilton’s “Yas Lizard Queen” that signifies each season’s winner.
Tune in to the show starting this fall at 22:00 GMT on BBC 18.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who was runner-up in Canada’s Next Top Slime Lord, but alas, no one can beat Drake. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.