(Austin, TX) In a stunning court ruling today, Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton signed into law a statute requiring restaurants and other similar establishments to play at least one Joy Division song every hour. After today, any restaurant that goes over 60 minutes without playing a Joy Division track will be fined and could be subject to suspensions and deletions. The City Government doesn’t want to delete you, but they can, and they will. If you live in Austin, get ready to jam out to some Ian Curtis as he tries to eat the microphone while being backed by New Order real soon.
A few more details on the case, for those who are interested. The statute did not dictate any specification on which Joy Division songs would be required to be played, so as the law is in its current form you could play everything from both Closer and Unknown Pleasures. However, it already seems that lobbyists from companies like Hot Topic and Gil’s Grunge Shack are trying to push in some last minute legislation containing the Joy Division tracks allowed to be played to a short list.
On the short list we have Love Will Tear Us Apart, a commercial hit with a lot of feeling that will remind millennials of high school and older people of when they felt things. Next we have Atmosphere, which has seen a bit of a late bloom in success as it has been featured on different TV shows like Misfits and Stranger Things. Finally, we have She’s Lost Control, a popular hit amongst hipsters who memorize this song and will explain to you why it is their best track, when really it’s only pretty good and they are trying to throw you off the trail that they are actually only into the Smiths. God. Those people, you know?
Local hero and popular choice for President of Texas whenever that whole thing finally happens, Wendy Davis, has told the Austin, and more broadly Texas legal communities that she will not rest until this statute is eradicated and only seen as a misstep in a distant memory.
“This statute is un-American, un-Texan, and anti-Brunch,” Davis said to thousands of passionate protestors on the steps of the Capitol. The anti-Brunch thing had been the main cause of Davis’s anti-statute campaign picking up speed. If there is anything Austinites love, it’s drinking. But second we love getting out of bed at 11 and eating an ungodly amount of eggs to soak up the hangover.
“We can’t have Big Business deciding which Joy Division tracks we can and cannot listen to,” Davis continued, running back and forth on the stage like a basketball player at a high school pep rally. “Say it with me so they can hear it in the halls of congress,” Davis then is joined in the yell of a thousand feminists in proclaiming “LET US HAVE TRANSMISSION! LET US HAVE DECADES! LET US HAVE DEAD SOULS!”
Like the Israelites and Joshua from the tales of old, Davis and her army chanted this over and over until the Capitol building literally shook in its foundation and the statue that had always known home to be the top of the dome came toppling down. It shattered like glass at the feet of Wendy Davis who was now wearing a sleeveless Ian Curtis t-shirt in order to show off her Unknown Pleasures tattoo.
“Pretty sweet, huh?” Davis said, flexing an incredibly toned bicep and dabbing. “Now let’s storm the halls of congress where I lost blood, sweat, and tears defending your rights and take back what is ours!”
“What is that, Leader Davis?”
Then, like a Roman military commander, Davis directed her comrades to storm the Capitol and quote, “take back their freedom.” Maybe not the best choice of words for overhyped millennials who want nothing but blood. Oh well. I guess we’ll just have to see how that goes.
Sorry we got a little bit off track their, readers, but there was a far more interesting story elsewhere. However, do remember that if you own a restaurant, bar, or food truck that you must play at least one Joy Division song per hour. It can be Heart and Soul over and over for all we care, just get it done.
The City Government would also like to add that they are currently looking for a fugitive by the name of Wendy Davis, last seen throwing a copy of The Handmaid’s Tale at a state senator. If you see something, Tweet us a pic and tag your location so we can easily find you.
Thanks Again, The City Government.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who outgrew his Joy Division shirt. How dumb is that sentence. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.