Congratulations! You Have Been Chosen by the Rat King


Yes, you heard that right. You have been chosen by the Rat King himself. This is truly a high honor and one that should be taken with the utmost grace and dignity you can muster. To be chosen by the Rat King, oh glorious day!


Now, your first step now that you have been Chosen is to report to your nearest burrow, ditch pipe, or hole at your earliest convenience. Be sure to say goodbye to your friends and family. You know, just in case.


Once you find yourself in the den of your choosing, consider taking a moment to reflect on what it means to be Chosen. Depending on how old you are, you may not remember a time when there was not such thing as being Chosen by the Rat King. Those were horrid days. Days better left forgotten, but always remembered.


Next, a Rat Duke will meet you, blindfold you, and guide you to the Heart of the World. This is where the Rat King lives and his rule is not to be questioned by anyone who comes to stay in the Heart. The Duke, most likely consisting of at least 5-7 rats, will then take off your blindfold and show you a Secret of Time. You are not to repeat this to anyone. Although, you may find that you are somehow telling everyone with every word you speak. Do not repeat the Truth. Only lies.


Alright, now this is where things start to get fun. Without much warning, the Rat King’s bodyguards will take you to the Room of Cleansing. In the Room of Cleansing, or RoC as you will soon refer to it, you will be subject to every form of cleansing you can imagine. Your body, and more specifically your skin, will be the first target. Expect to lose about 1-2 layers of skin during this process, so be sure to stock up on skin the day before.


After your body, your mind will be cleansed. Any thought, memory, or concept deemed too “dirty” or “dangerous” by the Rat Court will be subject to eradication. A healthy mental state and a sharp wit will suit you well if you hope to be anything like your former self at the end of all this.


Finally, your soul will be cleansed. You might be thinking, “Hey buddy, I did that last week. Why waste time doing it again?” While your soul maintenance and upkeep is to be applauded, we don’t think you have ever had a soul cleansing like this.


Once all of the preparations are done, you will be ready to be presented to the Rat King. Do not be alarmed by his twenty heads. Do not be alarmed by the Sea of Tails. Do not be alarmed by the sudden loss of feeling. Be petrified. You are in the presence of the Rat King, your discomfort is not relevant.


You have been Chosen. You should be proud to have made it this far. Now, it is time for your fate to be unveiled. If you think that this has ever been a choice, you are in for a rough awakening. For the End is beginning and Nothing will soon reign supreme.





This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who wishes he had been Chosen. Maybe next Harvest. Follow him for more Rat News on Twitter @NPEllwood.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s