Man Graciously Offers Girlfriend Less than Half of Food


(Buffalo, NY) Jill and Jimothy had been together for almost 2 years and their Cotton anniversary was coming up. Really? Cotton? Who decides these things? I think we do now. I just decided. More on that another time.


Regardless, the two had gotten to know each other over the past couple of years as their relationship blossomed and flourished. All of their friends were so jealous of how well they got along and how often they went to the farmer’s market. And if you asked the two of them, they would tell you how great their relationship was. They might even try to offer you advice. Don’t you just love this people?


It was an average night in Buffalo. The Wild Wings had been rounded up and put back in their pen and the Creeping Golem had slowed to a less alarming pace over the last week. Till and Timothy thought it would be fun to try a new restaurant with the fun name Bilquis. 


When the couple first walked in, they didn’t exactly understand what they were looking at. Before them was not what you might imagine could exist within such a small space. Stretching seemingly miles was a roaring river with riotous rapids and other alliterations. Before they knew what to do, Kel and Kim were being pulled by the strong undertow of the entryway waterwell downstream into the depths of the restaurant.


After an extraordinarily long tunnel, the couple washed ashore onto an unnatural, metallic platform. They noticed that, although they had just seconds ago been in the midst of a raging sea, were completely dry. Almost annoyingly so, in fact. After looking around the place for a minute or two, the couple, Jeff and Jo, found their way to a booth and were soon greeted by what they guessed was their waiter. The waiter did not appear to be human, but what does that even mean?


Through an orifice one could venture to call a mouth the Waiter spoke in a forbidden tongue. Somehow, even though they do not truly understand how, they understood what he said. They ordered a bottle of wine from the year 2093, a Shrimp Baste, and something called Pandora’s Comfort, to split. Once the two were alone, Gil leaned across the table to look his lover, Glo, right in the eyes. “I’m so glad that we are together baby. I can’t imagine my life without you.”


“Oh Craig, you make a girl feel like she’s on the moon.”


“Well, I am an astronaut.” The two fell into their chairs roaring with laughter over a memory half forgotten, but the words sure felt familiar.


Soon, the meal was brought out and let me tell you, it sure looked delicious. Jean took out a fork to cut up their Pandora’s comfort, which reminded Jake of nothing but the Hindenburg, into even portions for the two of them. Before she could make the first incision, Jim leaned across the table and took the fork from here. “No one cuts my sugar bear’s food but me.”


Blushing slightly, Janice watched as he cut the meal into disproportionate slices. She knew that she had found the man of her dreams when she saw that they were not even close to evenly split. She thought, “He’s going to give more to me because he knows I have had a hard week at work. If he asked me to marry him right now I would say yes.”


“Here you go, babe.” Before her on her plate sat the smaller half of the meal. She couldn’t believe it. This was outrageous. How could he do this? She smiled through the pain and brought her head up to try and catch his eye, but he was already so lost in his food that she couldn’t.


The rest of the night went by like normal, but Nancy knew that Norman would never be the one for her. Not until she found someone who would give her more than half the meal. That’s what love is. baby.



This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who likes to go downtown, put on some gloves, and do volunteer trash duty in the rain. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.

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