Happy Freedom Day, Patriots! 241 years ago today we said “so long!” to tea and crumpets in exchange for burgers and assault rifles and we haven’t looked back since. But what is the best way to let everyone know what a True American you are on this Independence Day? Some will tell you to have a BBQ with friends and family. Others will say to enjoy the freedom of our country however you see fit, as long as it involves fireworks. Forget all of that.
In order to ensure that you are truly a proud American, we have ranked the top 5 best ways to celebrate the 4th. Let’s go!
#5. Print out and kiss this picture of George W. Bush.
Nothing will let the Government know that you are a true patriot better than printing out and kissing this picture of our 43rd President. Now, don’t get weird with it. A stately kiss is all that is required. If you observe a neighbor getting a little too into it, you have the right (as an American) to swiftly kick them in the shin and take 5 dollars out of their wallet.
#4. Invade the neighbors
An age-old tradition passed onto us by our British ancestors, invading the neighbors is a fantastic way to show your American pride and maybe get some cool stuff. Be a true American this 4th and show up to your neighbors house and declare it yours. Start taking things from their house and if you have the time, set up a base so you can watch over them and make sure they don’t get out of line. This isn’t required, but it is the best way to ensure that your rule won’t be questioned.
Oh, also, I almost forgot. This is the most important part. Be sure to tell them over and over that you are actually helping them. If they ask, “what are you doing in my house? why are you stealing my TV? do you have a permit for that gun?” simply tell them that this is all in their best interest. And if, for whatever reason, they push back on this, burn their house down. There is plenty of other neighbors too invade who won’t make such a fuss, might as well incinerate that joint and move on.
#3. Delete your dating app and proclaim your exclusive love to hot dogs and boardshorts
You’ve been working up to it for months, but today’s the day to finally tell your friends. After years of using dating apps that have provided connections but not connections, you know what you have to do: renounce dating and proclaim your exclusive love to hot dogs and board shorts. After all, what held you tight at bars when women stood you up? That’s right: your board shorts. And what was waiting for you at the end of a long night with no romantic prospects in sight? You guessed it: a footlong dog from Sonic. It’s fine: relish the moment. Admit that nothing has quite brought you joy since your breakup with Brooke like Oscar Meyer and some floral Billabongs. You’ve never even seen a surfboard in person but it doesn’t matter. No one is judging. All of your dudes are ready to make the leap, too. They just need the go-ahead from their fearless leader. This Fourth of July, that’s a wave you’ve been primed to ride.
#2. Fire a gun in the air
Nothing screams “Murica!” like reckless gun use, so if you want to take your Independence Day to the next level, start firing that baby straight up in the air. Hopefully, if enough people do this, we can get rid of that pesky Sun which we all know is a communist. Get out there and start shooting!
#1. Buy a Chevy truck
The most patriotic thing anyone can do on the 4th of July is buy a Chevy truck. Nothing is more American than this. It supports an American owned business, it is grossly excessive, and it’s slowly killing the earth. Those are the cornerstones on which this county was built, so get out there this Tuesday and buy a Chevy truck. That is, if you are a True American.
We hope that you are a True American. You wouldn’t want to be anything else, would you? That would be a mistake. You don’t want that, do you? What would your family think? Are you willing to lose your family over something as small as your convictions? Best not to try anything. Just stick to the plan. Buy a Chevy.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood (with an assist from Ben Taylor), who will be spending his July 4th driving a Chevy across the country like a modern day Paul Revere blasting Kenny Chesney for the world to hear. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.