(Epoch, AZ) It was 8am on a Monday morning and the work week had officially just begun. Freelancer police sketch artists and part-time social media interns were making their way into the warm corduroy of the local coffee shop and the staff there welcomed them with caffeine packed, shaking arms. “Welcome to 3 Little Roasters,” said one of the staff. “My name is Sven, how can I serve you?” Once the patrons had made their orders and sat down waiting for their drinks to be made, they noticed the music playing in the establishment. The noise coming from the scattered speakers could only be described as “jarring.”
“Cut my life into pieces!” began that familiar refrain and an audible groan was heard across the store. “This is my last resort!” continued the song. One patron couldn’t handle it after only two verses and went up to the counter to complain. However, there were a few people ahead of him in the queue and others waiting for drinks, so he decided to wait in line to formally present his complaint.
After a few minutes of waiting, Craig (pronounced Cra-eeg) welcomed the patron with the complaint. “Hi, welcome to 3 Little Roasters, my name is Craig. If you haven’t been here, our signature drink is Terror at the Car Lot. What can I get for you?”
“Yeah I was wondering if we could change the music up in here,” replied the concerned man. “It’s hard to concentrate.”
“Oh, sure. We can do that for you. Here at 3 Little Roasters it is our pleasure to serve you. Now what can I get for you?”
“Just the music, that was it.”
The man made his way back to his seat, but before he had even sat back down the horrendous playlist began anew. “Hello there, the angel from my nightmare. The shadow in the background of the morgue, the unsuspecting victim.”
While a few toes were tapped, the majority of the audience had long since graduated high school. Another brave patron approached the counter and tried to get the staffs attention, but unfortunately they were all pre-occupied with their coffee shop duties. The patron watched as Sven and Craig helped Autumn hang up a painting of a coffee mug. Julia and Croatia took turns washing and drying the dirty dishes and Jordaish took orders from customers. After awhile, they noticed the patron patiently waiting and addressed them.
“Hi, my name is Jordaish. Welcome to 3 Little Roasters, what can I get for you?”
“I’m sorry to ask, but this music is really distracting. Is there any way we could change it to something more appropriate for the mood?”
“The mood? I crafted this playlist in the depths of the Wisconsin forest last summer on my annual vision quest thank you very much and I won’t be questioned. This music is perfect for Monday and its mood.”
Just as Jordaish said this, the song changed again and all the warm bodies tensed as the opening notes to Three White Stones began and that iconic first verse came roaring in. “I used to think the world was real but then I met a wizard named Jim.”
Known across America as the worst song ever written, before the first chorus had even started the shop had completely cleared out. The Yelp reviews were not pretty and soon 3 Little Roasters had to foreclose and declare bankruptcy. Some say that you can still see Joardaish playing his “Monday Moods” playlist alone in the forbidden Walgreens on the side of town near the closed down shop.
Hipsters have even tried their best to recreate the playlist, but to no avail. No one ever stayed in the coffee shop long enough to hear the entire thing. Some say the entire thing was Joy Division remixes. We may never know.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who prefers “Morning Mist” to “Monday Moods.” Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.