In response to recent allegations against millennials that they are wasting money that should be invested into future homes, many millennials are ready to set the record straight. “I read this recent piece that millennials can’t afford homes because we spend too much money on avocados,” Ty Bareilles of Minnesota said. “But here’s the thing: the money that goes to avocados is going to our future homes.”
That’s right. In a turn that is sure to be too much for some elderly critics, millennials are buying avocados in bulk to use as material for their future homes.
“What I do,” millennial and wise investor Simone Lewis explained, “is simple: I buy avocados every time I have some spare change. I once heard the Dave Ramsey principle of putting that change away, but have since exceeded Ramsey in financial intelligence.
“The key is to not eat the avocados, which is simple enough if you don’t fully understand how guacamole is made. After a few days, the avocados go bad. I take them to a small plot of land I own due to squatter’s rights. I lay the avocados out in the shape of the house I want. Spoiled avocados become rock hard over time. Eventually, voila: you have a house, a stable future, and a respectful middle finger to your elders.”
Although the process sounds simple enough, given one’s commitment to squatter’s rights and a careful eye for avocado home blueprints, one might wonder if purchasing so many avocados is really that much cheaper than buying a new home.
Kai Ellington has an easy solution for the concerned homebuyer: “I make my daily rounds to the Mexican restaurants in town and ask for their leftover guacamole for the day. Not only is it already prepared for molding, it has an extra kick of peppers that will give your home a nice decorative flair.”
Eritas reached out to Elon Musk for comment, and a representative replied: “Mr. Musk has been living in an avocado home for years. He is now interested in building an avocado rocket ship, which he plans to finish by early September.”
Whether millennials have once and for all outsmarted their elders remains to be seen. If they truly want to prove themselves to their parents and crotchety journalists, they should order avocado coffins as a final “gotcha.” Because what old folks tend to forget is that millennials hold the keys to their afterlife comfortability.
This article was written by Ben Taylor, who fell victim to the 2008 Potato House Boom and has had to settle for an Avocado Condo. An Avocondo if you will. Follow him for more on Twitter @therealbenshady.