Welcome music lovers. Today we are going to take a look at 19 different Crust Punk bands from Jolly Old England Town that you will probably wish you had never heard of in the first place. For those unfamiliar, Crust Punk is a musical movement that began in the eighties, combining the raw power of heavy metal with the anarchistic tendencies of punk. The two came together and an even more powerful child was born. That baby, was Crust Punk. Numerous bands have followed in the same musical tradition in the UK and now we have to make a list about it because I guess that’s journalism now. Let’s get to it!
1. Garbage Baby
Founded in 2012, Garbage Baby brings to the table the imaginations of seventeen former tollbooth workers and a pianist. What they create when they come together can only be describe as guttural.
2. Landline Sally
Landline Sally is unique in the Crust Punk arena as all of the members are trans men and women. Though not discouraged, in fact just the opposite, it seems as though there just isn’t a lot of overlap in the venn diagram of people who are in Crust Punk bands and transgender. Regardless, they melt faces and are definitely worth playing to annoy the neighbors.
3. Clown Car of Sin
The name says it all.
4. Shredder Cheese
One of the forerunners of the Crust Punk movement, Shredder Cheese is still touring and playing behind Bass Pro Shops to this today Known for their notorious “mud swallowing method,” Shredder Cheese will make your nose bleed.
5. Man is the Bastard
Existing in time from 1990 to 1997, Man is the Bastard is a poster child of Crust Punk and all that they stand for. After releasing the single The Sanctity of Oil and then stabbed the head of Exxon in the leg with an oil stick. They were wild.
You know in Veep when Jonah and Dan go to that concert together and he yells “You can’t find these guys on iTunes!” Amebix was that band.
7. Criss Cross Apple Sauce
In sharp contrast to their name, this band is seriously disturbed. They were banned from touring in almost every country except for the Slavic ones and don’t actually sing, they exclusively bark. Please don’t listen to them.
8. The Coldness of Love
TCoL is most famous for their marathon albums, including Anti-American Dreamscape, which clocked in at just under 16 hours of pure grunge.
9. Extreme Noise Terror
Extreme Noise Terror (or ENT) is known as the first band to really put the crust in crustgrind. Fusing together two insane musical groups into one psychedelic adventure has kept ENT at the top of the British punk charts since 1985.
Sliiiiiiiiiick, also known as “that band with 10 ‘i’s,” has never played their music on the radio. In fact, no one has ever heard a completed record. Not even the band. They all play their parts independently and then press the record onto vinyl without ever listening to them together. Then they take the record into the woods, play it once while they all wear headphones to block out the noise, and then smash the record into a million pieces. Sliiiiiiiiick believes this keeps their artistic integrity intact.
11. Unrestricted Access to the President’s Pocket
Seeming to only have a loose grasp on satire and political metaphor, UAttPR’s lyrics try their best to be political but just end up sounding completely inane. That being said, Unrestricted Access might be perfect for the fake-woke person in your life.
Like Journey or Earth Wind Fire, Amputated has had a rotating cast of characters since their inception in the late 80s. A main cause of this is due to the fact that Amputated lives up to their name and a live amputation of one of the band members takes place every live show and album recording. After one or two shows or recordings with the band, members would lose too many valuable limbs and another bassist kept having to be found.
13. Controlled Environment
Another group with way too much time on their hands, Controlled Environment writes a two hundred page manifesto and has a designated reader at every concert. The reader has no stool on which to sit and a broken microphone, but it’s not so much that you are supposed to actually hear what they wrote, just know that they had enough to talk about that they filled two hundred pages.
14. Slimeball Derby
Incorporating Swedish pop remixes into their primordial noise soup, Slimeball Derby will knock you on your ass and shoot you with a shotgun while you are on the ground. Their music is straight up foul. I HIGHLY recommend them.
Formed by a few friends with the same name, Wolfbrigade combines the various talents of 5 women named Susan into a powerhouse of Crust. Don’t forget to get your lighters out for their famous encore song, Fangs of the Father.
Trying their best to be edgy, Susej wrote and produced their entire first album while living in a sewer. While the friends they made along the way would stay with them forever, the demand for Crust Punk / Reggae fusion bands would not.
17. Climate Strange
Starting as just three women and a genderqueer librarian with some extra time on their hands, Climate Strange is now known across the eastern London scene as THE name in Environmental Crust. Look for their albums in gutters and drain pipes, including their upcoming release, God Has Stopped Crying and Now He’s Packing His Bag.
18. Madame Germen
Named after the notorious West Berlin serial killer, Madame Germen does things to noise that you did not think were possible. They have this one song called June Bug Boogie and man does it slap.
19. Open Waters
Combining members from almost every Crust Punk band in the game, Open Waters consists of 47 men in their thirties with nothing better to do. Their music is pretty good, but concerts are weird because the ratio is way off.
This has been our list. Thank you for joining us again this week for our dive into the world of music. Stay tuned for more, soon.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who wants you to guess how many of those bands were real. Tweet him your answer to @NPEllwood.