New email notification. Congrats! Let’s check this bad boy out.
Looks like it is from LinkedIn, your friend in making business connections! No one knows why we do this, but Capitalism demands it, so you know, go with the flow. Ooh. They have an insight just for you. That’s great!
Now just click open on that and we can see what it’s all about. No. Stop looking at your HBO subscription update. If you own HBO and don’t know what’s on right now already, you don’t deserve to. Crazy good shows on that service.
Ok, back to the LinkedIn email. It must be a huge deal if they have added all of this pomp and circumstance. I bet you are one of their best profiles or something! This email might be worth printing out for the fridge, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
Wow! I guess they really wanted you to know that one (1) person looked at your profile. They won’t tell you who it was, exactly, but you’ll know that someone viewed your page. Isn’t that nice? The feeling that one (1) person has thought, “Hey, what’s that guy up to? Is he working or what?”
You know how you should celebrate? By buying a premium subscription to LinkedIn! Then you can find out exactly who cares about you and who doesn’t. That seems like a healthy thing to pay money for, right? We thought so too.
And, get this, we are gonna give you twenty percent off your subscription! All you have to do is send this email to twenty of your friends where you kind of pimp out your friendship for the vague concept of “advancing your career.” Don’t think about it too much, they will never read it anyway!
Well, that was a fun time checking your email. We here at Google Government have enjoyed this as much as you have and look forward to your next scheduled email review in 45 seconds. We’ll miss you.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who prefers Prime Populace to Google Government, but will try out Facelife when it comes out next year. Follow him for more at Twitocracy @NPEllwood.