(Brooklyn, NY) Marco Johnson is just a normal dude living life in Brooklyn, NY. He has four girlfriends, two boyfriends, and three partners that don’t subscribe to the gender binary. He works part-time at a bike shop and the rest of the time he models for stock photos. However, he does have his faults. For example, he sometimes forgets to put the toilet seat down, his favorite color is eggshell, and he still listens to Coldplay in the Year of our Lord 2017. Can you believe this guy?

It’s honestly just sad how little Marco thinks about the people around him and how they are affected by his penchant for the Chris Martin helmed alternative softcore jello-band. We asked one of his partners, Kerry, what they thought of all this. “I mean, I used to like Coldplay too,” Kerry said. “But it’s 2017. I didn’t even realize they were still a thing.”

We asked Marco’s other partners what they thought of the Coldplay love. Sally said that she thought she was dating a sophisticated man, but now she wasn’t so sure. Ken had had a Coldplay phase in middle school and didn’t believe anything after Ghost Stories was worth talking about. Gorlonn denied making a comment.

We have also learned that Marco is planning on driving for Lyft and his “Tunage for my Spoonage” playlist is full of honestly just the most random Coldplay song choices. We need to do something in order to stop this man from spreading his love for Coldplay all over Brooklyn. If we don’t, he might invade Manhattan, and those normies are already all over the Coldplay scene.

We have no ideas, so please let us know if you have any and send them to us. The best way to get ahold of us is to whisper your secrets to an oak tree. We’re probably hiding in it.

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who once shook Chris Martin’s hand, but not physically. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.