Since 2017 began, otherwise known as the year we gave ourselves over to the Slime, many journalists have been sharing what they believe to be the book most relevant to our times. Popular titles include Margaret Atwood’s The Handmaid’s Tale and Sinclair Lewis’s It Can’t Happen Here. Here at Eritas, we’ve decided that—over halfway through the year—if these other titles aren’t going to be shared, we’ll be the ones to do it. We’d like to present to you four books you should be reading because they fit that vaguely poignant description of “a book for our times.”
- Marvin Atwood’s The Handyman’s Tale
After the raging success of Margaret Atwood’s The Handmaid’s Tale, her distant cousin and total tool Marvin Atwood decided to write a “sort-of sequel” years before Judd Apatow made it his “thing.” In Marvin’s tale, the dystopian society revolves around a world where men are taken advantage of for their incredible talents. If it sounds a bit out of touch, it is. In fact, The Handyman’s Tale is listed as the number one title if you are seeking a fictional account of what came to be known as “mansplaining.” Marvin’s protagonist, Marv, has plenty of opinions and stretches them to almost 300 pages before the story spins out into a intergalactic and highly misogynistic war. Take our word for it, or read it for yourself.
- Bill O’Reilly’s It Did Happen Here
In a total misreading of Sinclair Lewis’s original classic, former Fox News employee Bill O’Reilly wrote this half-fan-fic-half-social-“satire” in which he imagined that fascism did, in fact, come to rule America for decades. Except, of course, Bill O’Reilly doesn’t know what fascism is and the oppressive president character is an African-American man who tries to give people health care and let same-sex couples marry each other. The novel reads as if all of these things are killing good American families with traditional values, but it all comes off a bit… what’s the word? Racist? Homophobic? Yeah, those. Anyway, we’re being told we should sympathize with people who condone a certain president’s actions and we can think of no book that better teaches you the logic behind those people’s decision-making process.
- Random Christian Author’s The Right Fit
It doesn’t matter who wrote this or where they got their biblical degree from or whether they got one, okay, man? The point is they talked to God, and got this message straight from the Lord’s mouth. What is that message? Well, it begins as a “biblical perspective on purity,” but quickly devolves into about four chapters on how that one Teen Vogue article is proof that Satan is using Teen Vogue as his vehicle for disseminating evil into our world. It all spirals out of control when it attempts to offer practical steps for living pure but ends up describing the best ways to burn a magazine for twelve pages. If it all sounds like a conspiracy theory, it is. If it sounds like the title of this book is a juvenile innuendo on what the author believes to be the only Christian sex position, it also is. But to know the enemy, you must read his Christian sex manifesto.
- Donnie Tr*mp’s The Art of the Deal
We discourage all readers from buying this trash, but if you can find it at a secondhand store and give the book cashier a passcode (HORCRUX) you will be allowed to remove this book from stores in a small brown paper bag at no cost, so long as you promise to vanquish it from the face of the earth. As book lovers, we are called to do what is morally right for our times, and avenging the trees that were killed for this book is the only way to pay penance to Mother Nature in hopes that she will spare us for another decade.
We encourage you to purchase all of these books at your local store, and remember that the only way to know they neighbor is to read thy neighbor. What would you add to the booklist for our modern times?
This article was written by Ben Taylor, who literally hides every bookstore copy of The Art of the Deal behind other, better books as his civil duty calls him to. You can follow him on Twitter for more: @therealbenshady