If you told me a few months ago that the American government would be completely dissolved (literally) and overthrown by Ancient Lizard Overlords, I would have punched you in the mouth. But look where we are now. Trump and the Gang have been booted out of town and the omnipresent slimy beings known to us only as “The Clurge” have taken over. I may be labeled a heretic for saying this, but I think we should just embrace the situation and say “So long!” to America and just accept that we are living in the world of The Clurge now and there is nothing we can do about it.
I was the first of my team to throw in my hat with the lizards and I haven’t look back since. I honestly don’t know why more people won’t simply accept the eventuality of The Clurge and come over to my side of the mountain. It’s great over here. I got so many dogs, you wouldn’t even believe it!
Remember when we had to pay taxes? No way man. Taxes are definitely not “vibing” with us, to borrow a term from my Clurgian brothers, and have been banned permanently from the land encompassing the space between Mexico and Canada and the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans. Instead, little portions of your soul will be harvested each year as payment to The Clurge for sparing your puny, pathetic lives.
No one knows exactly why The Clurge singled out America when they came to conquer us, but I like to think it’s because we are the best! Surprisingly enough, it seems like the rest of the world has just kept on, business as usual. Actually, I am just guessing, I don’t actually know what is going on out there. The Clurge won’t share with us what is happening outside of the giant energon forcefields they set up across the borders and on our shores. I have to assume that the world has ignored us because why would it take so long to rescue us, right? I mean, hello? Is the internet even still on? Is it just me and the indifferent void?
Regardless of losing my precious soul dust and giving over the control of our nuclear arsenal to someone more closely related to the dinosaurs than us, I think our Ancient Lizard Overlords are here to stay. I mean, why would they ever leave? They have superior technology to anything we have ever seen. They can wipe the world out in the split of an instant, but they don’t. Why? Some say that the Ancients won’t leave until they have harvested every bit of every soul that exists on earth, but I like to think, as I have said before, it is simply because they like us.
More on this story as it continues to develop.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who loves lizards of all types, both ancient and modern, both soul-eaters and lil geckos. Follow him for more lizard related content on twitter @NPEllwood.