I was texting my good friend and well-known film actor Orlando Bloom the other day and I could tell that something was amiss. Yep, you read that right. Orlando Bloom and I are friends and text each other all the time. Want to say something to Orlando Bloom? Because I literally have the power to send him a message with anything you want to say. Want to say “Sup Bloom!” or “Legolas Rules!” to the guy that brought rip-sticking to America? You could actually do that because I have actual actor and person Orlando Bloom’s phone number available at this very moment.

 

As I was saying, Lando (as I call him) was telling me about how bummed he was that his pet goldfish had died and instead of using the traditional emoji, he used 😛 instead. Now, I shouldn’t have to tell you that these two combinations of punctuation that we are talking about could not be more different, could not have more drastic ramifications than with these two emotes. What wasn’t Orlando telling me? I know him. I know he wanted to say and he didn’t, but why?

 

 

I decided to put on my personal investigator hat (I actually have one, my mom made it) and try to figure out if I could solve the case. I figured it might have been simply a misunderstanding, so I send a reply text to Lando that read. “So sorry to hear about that man. Are you sure you are alright?”

 

He responded a few minutes later with a simple “Yeah” with no emoji. I feared that my relationship with Lando had taken a sharp turn for the worst. He had never texted like this before, what on earth could be wrong? I tried my best to pry the rest out of him. I even texted him “World sucks bro :/” trying to bait him with the but nothing came from it. It’s been 37 minutes and I haven’t heard anything from him. What have I done?

 

Trying to use my brain in the way that the Lord intended, I learned how to farm. Then, getting bored, I went back to the problem at hand. I figured that Lando may not be telling me everything, but I knew someone who he would. This person was who he trusted everything with. It was none other than stand-up legend Gilbert Gottfried. “Hello friend,” Gilbert shrieked. “I know you think Orlando is giving you the cold shoulder, but you couldn’t be further from the truth. You see, he’s just kind of going through some stuff right now. Maybe you need to pump the brakes on this relationship?”

 

“Pump the brakes on this relationship? I’m sorry Gilbert, but if I wanted friendship advice I would have asked Steve Martin. He seems like he knows what he’s doing.”

 

“No one knows what they are doing,” Gilbert Gottfried replied. “Ever.”

 

With that, the 62 year old comedian dissipated into a slew of sludge, re-materializing 3 hours later at a nearby Denny’s. I was so distracted by this odd event that I forgot what I was doing there in the first place.

 

Oh right. Lando and I’s relationship. Ugh. Why are we even talking about this? We’re just going through something right now. All couples fight! No, I don’t mean that we’re a couple, I’m just saying, you know, pairings of people sometimes disagree. No. Um, whatever. I know he meant to use a and I don’t care what anyone says, I’m going to get to the bottom of this.

 

To be continued…

 

 

 

 

Stay tuned for if we ever revive this joke. It’s not likely, but hey, what is?

 

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who used to have a posted of Orlando Bloom in his room as a kid. Not even making this stuff up anymore, all truth from here on out. Follow him for more #truthbombs (mainly about the FX series Fargo) on Twitter @NPEllwood.