Later this month, Jerry Seinfeld will be releasing a self-published self-help book, The Seinfeld Solution. With a few well-placed Bee Movie-related flatteries, I was able to secure a copy of what can only be described as a literary masterpiece for a pre-release review.
For the week after I received email confirmation that I would be allowed a copy of this book I was on pins and needles, eagerly sitting by my mailbox each day in hopes that my package would arrive. When it finally did, I could barely contain my excitement, dear readers. I sprinted into my apartment, ripped open the Gaia-killing packaging, and began to voraciously devour the words before me. And let me tell you, I was not disappointed. Luckily for those of us who grew up hearing the legendary “beoooowomwompwomp badada badadup!” from our bedrooms as our parents watched the show late at night, our dear Jerry opted to take up every inch of type-space with references to his hit show, Seinfeld. Take, for example, the chapter titles (I’ve accompanied each chapter title with a piece of advice found within):
Chapter 1: When She’s Your Juliet, but You’re Her Puddy
“Sometimes, even a month in Oslo can’t save your relationship” (3).
Chapter 2: When Growing a Mustache Doesn’t Cut It
“There are seasons of your life when even a nice set of mutton chops won’t be able to ‘give you a vacation from yourself’” (16).
Chapter 3: When Life Gives You Lemons, Sell the Tops
“Believe it or not, homeless people don’t appreciate having your discarded bottoms shoved in their faces. Who knew they were like, people with feelings? What is up with that?” (22).
Chapter 4: When in Doubt, Blame Post-Pool Depreciation
“To alter a quote from the muse of the ages, Rachel from Friends: ‘It’s NOT that common, it DOESN’T happen to every guy, and it IS a big deal, BUT if she doesn’t know that you can blame it on the old reliable excuse of shrinkage’” (34-35).
Chapter 5: “Sweet Fancy Moses!” and Other Ways to Break it to Your Friends That They Just Can’t Dance
“Let’s face it, some of us just don’t have my God-given sweet moves” (41).
Chapter 6: When He Says, “No Soup for You!”
“Sometimes, people just don’t like you. And that’s okay. Go get soup somewhere else, like the White House. There are plenty of Nazis there.” (58).
Chapter 7: When Telemarketers Strike
“In a world where you get spam phone calls day in and day out, there’s really only one thing to do: be rude to someone just doing their job, or fake your own death. So, two ways, I guess” (69-70).
Epilogue: Much A-Show About Nothing
“At the end of the day, our lives are nothing; we die, and are gone in the wind. But that doesn’t mean we can’t make the most of it while we’re here! So go on, wear that bra as a shirt. Shave yourself with butter. What’s the worst that can happen, you get arrested?” (89)
But really, the most insightful piece of advice the comedian had for today’s readers was found in the introduction: “the key to being able to afford an apartment in New York City in this market without holding down a real, stable job is easy: just come up with a fake company, and stop buying so much avocado toast” (xi).
It pains me not to go into more detail regarding this golden tome, but I will refrain in hopes that I’ve given you just enough of a taste that you will rush to your nearest chain bookstore likely owned by someone who cares nothing for the livelihoods of his (yes, his, silly feminists) employees outside of the realm of capitalist-slave drone-worker and purchase your own $29.99 hard-cover copy. Until then, here’s my own best piece of Seinfeld-related advice: capes are a must-have item for those of you who live where there’s cool weather.
This article was written by Maggie McAlister, a millennial who is ticked that she and others like her have been having one heck of a time finding employment while somebody paid these characters for doing literally nothing for nine seasons. You can follow her @madmaggs21 on Twitter if you want to. Or don’t. She really doesn’t care.